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| B positive |
Some of our moments of fear and enjoyment captured in the photos below:
1. Nervously awaiting the jab whilst nibbling through 10 packets of arnotts and ritz biscuits:
 
2. Image of a very calm, controlled, brave donor:
3. A nervous first-timer:
 
5. Smiles all round after our beloved sausage rolls and party pies, served with the notsobeloved milkshakes... 
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posted by sciurine @ 10:21 PM   |
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| Wednesday |
| burst of randomness |
Short rice, cauliflower (though broccli would've been better, but it'll do), fried pork. Yummy dinner. *smiles proudly*
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| posted by sciurine @ 7:56 PM |
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| sunny day equals a sunny mood |
I'm so proud of myself for taking a few hours off sleeping yesterday and rock up to uni to tutor some apparantly disadvantaged kids. I have no idea why kids are supposedly 'disadvantaged' since they appear to be nicely dressed, they've got all the textbooks and checkpoints, they've got us volunteers for free one-on-one tutoring and a full day of free lectures. Ironically, if anything, i think they are actually advantaged due to being disadvantaged. If they're classified as disadvantaged, i think the majority of melbourne secondary colleges are also under such category, except of course, the handful of rich schools like scotch college, melbourne gammar etc etc. Oh maybe i'm just blind.
Anywho, for some reason, i rocked up at 11am just to find myself sitting in the computer lab and blogging for over an hour before i was actually needed. I have no idea why i bothered to run for the damn train in the first place. Oh well. So 12:15pm came and we took a few students into a tutorial room. Since there was an abundance of kind-hearted volunteer tutors, these kids actually ended up getting an hour of one on one tutoring. So this kid, simon, asked me to help me.
I sat down with him.
Simon: "Do this question for me. Don't look at the answer,'coz i want to see how you do it."
Me: eyes widened, a little shocked, and half frustrated, i'm volunteering here goddamnit, learn a bit of respect and politeness i thought, though i couldn't be bothered and just blurted out "ok."
The more i helped him, the more demanding he became. Seriously, there's less than a month to go till his exams, and this boy knows almost nothing. He doesn't even know how to draw a hyperbole! Btw, he wants to get into pharmacy. I know this is so mean, but honestly, i think my brother has a much bigger chance than this kid, sorry to say.
I'm a little cut i didn't get the free T-shirt that said S*W*O*T on it, but i think the free turkey subway made up for it.
New topic. Same day.
Rocked up to work half an hour earlier than usual. A very clever move. Spent 3/4s of an hour chatting away until i was sent off to the bank, the new clinic and Big W for some shopping. Could've been a very average shift, but thankfully, i bumped into someone on my way out of work. So after banking, instead of heading straight to the clinic, i decided to 'accidently' stroll into ghetto and have a quick shoe scan. I so need to revisit that shop sometime soon.
Next stop was the new clinic at QV which i needed to drop off some mail. But since the practice manager insisted to take my buddy and i on a tour, i couldn't possibly resist wasting more precious working time. Took roughly 10mins and it was a damn good tour, though the only thing was, i felt so unprofressional. No, not because i was getting paid to do nothing, but because of how i dressed and having to stroll in with a mate. I had black pants and shoes and my peach coloured jacket which happened to have its collar half-popped up. In contrast, the receptionist wore a very neat navy coloured uniform with medical one embroided on the front pocket and her hair gelled back tightly. Oh, the feeling of inferiority.
I must say, i'm generally very very good with shopping. Particularly impulse buys. But this time, shopping for the clinic was a little different. I spent a good long time picking and tossing up baskets after baskets; too small, too big, spikey balls won't fit, too big to fit in cupboard, too ugly i can't bare to buy... oh, decisions, decisions.
Before heading back, i decided to 'accidently' walk into breadtop and pick up an almond custard twist. Delicious. So yeah, i was paid almost $30 for doing all of that hard work. Damn i'm a hard worker.
Speaking of bread, i have a craving for it. I love the smell of bakeries. Yum. |
| posted by sciurine @ 6:55 PM |
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| a good night in |
It feels like it's been ages since i've blogged. Actually, my last entry was yesterday arvo, but still, i feel inadequate. I think my hunger for blogging has turned into an addiction, even worse, i need it to feel "normal." I recall a lecturer saying that's some sort of physical and psychological dependence, when one craves for something and don't feel "normal" until it is fulfilled. Normally occurs with opioids. But as i say, we all need to be addicted to something, maybe my list is just slightly longer than everyone else's. Well, here i am again getting my dose of morphine..hmm..
Last Saturday was awesome. We spent the day and night at Keegs place, did a bit of this and a bit of that, but just recalling some of the highlights of the day:
1. It was such a pleasant sex change when the girls fiddled around in the living room while the two boys skilfully prepared the greens and morrocan chicken. 
2. The dinner was bloody fantastic. The morrocan chicken was beautifully done, salad was fresh, and the atmosphere was expectional. The jazz music in the background was muddled with laughter at the table. Though i must say, the only thing we lacked at the table were candles. 3. My plate of vietnamese rice paper rolls was finished. yum yum yum. 4. I fulfilled my cleaning cravings. 5. I learnt how to play chess. Ok ok, i'm crappy at it, but at least i said "check" a few times. Yeah, ok i know you gave me a handicapp, mel, and keegs, you so could've been so much more gentler. 6. I won, yet again, at mah jong. 7. Great choice of movies: Constantine and Austin Powers. Go us! So, all in all, it was a very very enjoyable night, if only we didn't need to wake up so bloody early in the morning the next day. Wish it could happen more often. *wink wink geelong nudge nudge darts eyes* |
| posted by sciurine @ 6:23 PM |
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| Tuesday |
| alcohol |
My first ever drink was probably one of the most the most embrassing moments of my high school life. Although i was under a little bit of alcohol influence, i do recall some parts of the night. It was back in early year 11 when i was invited to a joint 18th birthday party. We had the entire house to ourselves. After a bit of dancing, mucking around, mingling, some random handed me a bottle of cruiser. It was yellow, the bottle looked nice, everyone else was drinking, so why not? i thought. So that was my first ever sip of an alcoholic drink. After maybe 1 hour, i finished 3/4s of my drink, and i remember finding myself outside the house with my friend, yelling at eachother for godknowswhat. A moment later i find myself lying in bed with 4 friends hovering over me with warm wet towels and fanning me. I must have forgotten bits and pieces of the story, but that was through outline and you can just imagine how much i've been bagged ever since.
Four years down the track, i've learnt. I am slowly getting use to alcoholic beverages and can most certainly manage more than 3/4 of a cruiser. They say alcohol is a depressant, but i look around me and wonder how that is true. People get high on alcohol, they let their hair down and go wild. Then the next day they seem to have undergone alcoholic selective amnesia and suffer from a massive unrelenting headache, a condition we call hang over.
I'm a little different. I think alcohol momentarily cheers me up, helps me unleash my inner self in front of random randoms, but in the end it inevitably draws me into deep thinking. Though i don't think i can ever manage a deep and meaningful under influence since i've never tried, i think the alcohol tugs at my brain and throws me into a sea of melancholy. I go quiet, withdrawn and eventually sleepy. I think i'm a pleasant drunk to most.
On a different note, CONGRATs to the beautiful Brownlow Medal winner for 2006, Adam Goodes, u are bloody awesome. Two consecutive brownlows!! |
| posted by sciurine @ 11:25 AM |
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| Wednesday |
| faith or lack of faith? |
The more i think about faith, the less i have of it. I used to have so much faith in the weather man, but lately that faith is slowly dimnishing. Now i don't think there's much point in watching the weather report, coz either way, i'd prefer to wear too little than too much. Speaking of faith, onto a slightly more serious topic, i think my faith and belief in physiotherapy is sadly deterioating.
Today, i had a long discussion with a friend, and a tutor in that case, about physiotherapy in general. The more i learn or not learn from lectures and pracs, the less i believe that physio and conservative treatment is actually going to help patients. In fact, in some cases, charging patients for our treatment seems to be bordering on being unethical.
I think back to a few years ago and i recall my passion for this profession. I recall the moment when i filled out my preference list at the end of year twelve:
1. Physio Melb
2. Physio La trobe Bundoora
3. Physio La trobe Bendigo
4. Physio Charles Sturt Albury Woodonga
5. Occupational therapy/Behavioural science La trobe
6. Radiograpy Monash Clayton
7. Science/Education Melb
8. Science Melb
It's amazing that i still remember my preferences so vividly, even after 3 years, but then again, my memory sometimes do work a little too well. I live 10 mins from Clayton Monash uni, yet i was perpared to move out to Bendigo simply because i wanted to study physio. I wanted it so badly. The day i found out i got into physio at melb, i could not be happier. And now i pause and think, and i ask myself why?
Why? It's because i wanted a profession that would give me satisfaction; a profession that would be rewarding. I wanted to be on my feet, have the people-people contact, have a sociable work environment, be able to help people and bring happiness into their lives as well as my own. Sounds corny, but it's true. That's what i wanted, that's what i still want, and that's what i'm still hoping for.
But i sit back now after almost 2 years of physio and i feel inadequate. We have been exposed to studies after studies, journals after journals, most of which contains the same bottom line summed up with one word: unknown. We are practicing a therapy that most of the times, may not in fact work. Are we supposed to have complete faith in electrotherapy and use them on our patients, even without clinical and laboratory evidence? Are we supposed to mobilise joints simply to make us look good when we know that the actual miracles that patients claim after treament comes entirely through the application of a 20min ice pack? Are we even supposed to charge for such service? Such unethical service.
I do sound a little bleak don't i? Okay, i do acknowledge the fact that some of the things we practice are fully supported with evidence. We are a young profession and there is still a long way and long time to develop and expand on the little knowledge we have at the moment. I am willing to wait. I can't deny the fact that physio is an important profession and it certainly does help a lot of patients out there, but right now, it's just the frustrating sense of inadequacy and disappointment that is getting to me. I know this phase will fade; i just need to wait.
Though being exposed to the clinical setting at work certainly doesn't help . At uni, they tell us that good physios focus on getting patients' life back on track, educate them and assist them in developing a sense of self management, but at work, I witness long term patients who come back week after week for years on end, due to the physiotherapists' recommendation. But turning around after farewelling those patients, the physios talk amongst themselves and say that they are persisting with treatment simply because the patients feel as if it is working. They are not helping in the long term, but they are persisting. Why? Why else?
When we get out there in the real world, we will understand that we all need to make a living; to sustain ourseleves and those we feed. Money. Why is this word so important in today's society? Does it justify our actions? Does wealth equal happiness? Most certainly not. In fact, sometimes i think that those with less actually lead happier lives. Though i also think that such thoughts are those of an idealist. Idealist like myself. I know the world doesn't work that way. We need money to live, to play, to feed. I've been out there and i know how poor people struggle. I've been to charities like St. Vinnies and Sacred Heart Missions in St. Kilda. I've fed the poor, the homeless, those who are in crisis. I've cooked and scooped food onto their plates and in return, i am rewarded with a smile. To know how grateful they are to simply have a full tummy and a blanket to sleep with, a shelter they can run to when it rains. That is what i call self satisfication; a truly rewarding experience.
I wonder if i will get that feeling next year when i'm in clinics. Whether i will piloerect when my service is rewarded with a grateful smile. To see patients walk for the first time, to feel and thrive in their happiness and achievement. I fear disappointment, but i will have faith. |
| posted by sciurine @ 8:39 PM |
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| males vs females |
Saw on television today a guy with hairy chest. I cannot help but wonder how that possibly turn girls on. I think it's absolutely revolting, particularly if its curly; just imagine them all sweaty in bed..eww..
What do the girls out there think? |
| posted by sciurine @ 8:17 PM |
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| Tuesday |
| reflection |
These couple of days have been..amazing and overwhelming, on so many different levels. I can write so much more, but when i start, i won't know when and where to stop. Perhaps it's better to just to leave it for now. Perhaps blogging isn't the safest place to share the deepest thoughts and feelings, though they may well exist and may one day be revealed. Today is not the day. Tomorrow doesn't look good either.
This week so far has been grand. |
| posted by sciurine @ 8:03 PM |
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| Sunday |
| spur of the moment |
Yesterday, i let a beautiful day fly past by locking myself in my room and procrastinating all day. I snuck in a nap and a 20min run followed with a 20min stretch. Yesterday sucked. I woke up this morning feeling as lethargic as anyone could possibly be, but i made a promise to myself not to let another day go past without doing anything.
So i headed into the city to tutor for 2hours. I walked out of state library with the $50 in hand, and the sun was still shining. I am so going to spend this $50, i told myself, i am so spending it right now. So, off i went into Melbourne Central.
First stop: Jeans West. Tried on 5 different summer tops, a couple with frills which i had never thought i'd ever try on, but i did, and i actually think it looks alright on me. Definately a thought to keep in the back of my mind for my next shopping trip, which won't be too long away. I decided not to buy anything on my first stop.
Second stop: Steve Madden. Way too expensive to even touch. Moving on...
Third stop: Kookai. Tried on a few going out tops and a skirt, but too expensive once again.
Fourth stop: Sunglasses Hut. Terrible customer service, so didn't dwell too long here.
Fifth stop: Sportsgirl. Tried on some headbands, which i think i'm going to go back and purchase one of them when i make up my mind on which one's best. Tried on a white hooded, holy (hehe), 1/2 length sleeved top. Paid for it.
Sixth stop: Dangerfield. Another bad customer service stop. Didn't bother.
Seventh stop: Jay Jays. Wasn't prepared to pay $20 for a plain singlet top. Moving on.
Eight stop: Scooter. Shoes were way too uncomfortable and too asian-like. Didn't appeal to me.
Ninth stop: The Basement. Surprisingly, it didn't stink as much as last time i went there, but still an unpleasant scent. Tried on 5 different sandals/shoes. Asked the gay shop assistant to get me my size for two different sandals. Took 10 mins, but i waited patiently because i really really wanted them. Tried one the lacey milk chocolate brown sandal; too big, a little too loose, soles were too thin for my liking. Tried the other one on: white straps, slightly raised platform, comfie orbits. Decided on my purchase immediately.
Tenth stop: Borders. Picked up a couple of fashion and food magazines, sat down with a mocha and sipped at it for 30mins. Realised there were porn magazines in Border as i walked out! But of course, i didn't need to look at any: my picture of Usher is more than enough ;)
Eleventh stop: Clayton. Home. Sweet home. A very productive, but expensive day. I should not be spending coz i've only been working 5 hours per week over the last two weeks. I am definately spending more than i'm earning. But a little retail therapy can't go too astray..right..? hehe. |
| posted by sciurine @ 6:21 PM |
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| Saturday |
| Simple things in life... |
It's the simple things in life we forget,
I hear her speaking but don't hear what she says;
Why do you make something so easy so complicated,
Searching for what's right in front of your face; but you can't see it.
Just thought i'd share my love for Usher and bring a touch of RnB into all your lives... |
| posted by sciurine @ 1:58 PM |
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| Friday |
| woohoo |
| Ahhhhhh........! I did it! I managed to upload an image onto my blog! ahhhhhhh.... I did it! |
| posted by sciurine @ 10:53 PM |
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| shortcuts to happiness |
I don't particularly fancy Hillary Duff's voice, but the lyrics from her song Why not? truly reaches out and touches my heart:
Think you're going nowhere, walking down the street,
Acting like you just don't care, but life could be so sweet...
So walk a little slower, and open up your eyes,
Sometimes it's so hard to see, the good things passing by...
Though the world maybe in chaos and disorder, i really think if we all take the time to just open up our eyes and see its beauty, life can be very sweet. Today, something amazing happened to me.
My life has been turned upside-down and back upright over and over these couple of weeks; at times i felt so low i just wanted to brace myself and pray that my mind would stop working, and other times, i undergo selective amnesia and immerse myself in a sea of happiness and merriment.
You may recall the post i wrote last friday when i was at work, where i had to wear glasses to cover up my post-emotional-outburst eyes. Apparantly i didn't do that too well.
Every friday afternoon, a middle-aged lady, Vanesssa, would come in for her half an hour physio treatment. It's as if we just clicked on her first visit; we just keep talking and talking about absolute nonsense. We talk about music, boys, bands, work, study etc etc. I've only seen her once a week for the past two months, but maybe it's women's intuition or something along those lines, she understood me as much as i understood her. She knew i'd been crying, she knew i've been going through a lot even without me saying a word, and she knew i needed cheering up.
Today, she came up to me and said, "i have something to give you, you looked like you needed something to cheer you up last week." She handed me a card and wrapped up present and i opened it:
It was a wild princess vanilla lip polish and a card that read, 'There ARE shortcuts to Happiness, and dancing is one of them!'
I looked into her eyes gratefully and smiled. "That's what i wanted to do," she said, "just put a smile on your face." I could've hugged her, if only we weren't separated by a freakin 1m wide desk and PC.
Something so small yet so meaningful. It made me realise how beautiful human beings can be; how empathetic, how loving, caring and giving we can all be. Vanessa is a total stranger to me, but she read me well.
Nothing is more important than to show the people around you that you care about them and you think about them. I am still struggling to find the words to describe my feelings right now. Perhaps this word may do it: "wow." |
| posted by sciurine @ 9:29 PM |
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| Wednesday |
| attitude |
Since there's so much attitude going on in my household at the moment, i thought i'd just google the word attitude and see what it comes up with. Check it out if you have the time.
http://www.attitude.uk.com/ |
| posted by sciurine @ 7:32 PM |
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| bad hair days to come... |
You know those moments when you sit back and think, "gosh, i wish i didn't do that?" The feeling's isn't as strong as regretting a certain action, but it's more like a shake of a head when you think back to it. Well, that was the feeling i woke up to today, as i glanced into the mirror. My hair. I hate it and i can't believe i did what i what yesterday.
You see, i'm someone who acts purely on impulse. I buy clothes impulsively, i speak without processing, and i do things just for the sake of doing things. Well, yesterday's weather boosted my good mood and as i day dreamt on the train ride home, i decided to stop by the hairdressers to get my hair cut. I plopped myself on the rather comfie padded chair and told the lady to do what she wants with my hair. I am quite brave when it comes to hair; for all i know, she could've just taken out a shaver and shave off bits of my hair, and i wouldn't even have a case to fight in court, coz i was the one who put myself in such a situation in the first place. Anywho, after a good 20mins, i took off and made my way into the hair products aisle of safeway, and randomly, i repeat, randomly selected a hair dye.
I knew i shouldn't act on impulse. I absolutely hate my hair right now. It was supposed to turn out into streaks of brown and lighter tones here and there. I swear it looked nice on the packet. But as i glanced at myself in the mirror, i saw streaks of orange, golden brown and ugly tones everywhere! Oh well, i'll know better next time: as long as my hair doesn't turn into mouldy green, i'm fine with it.
One day, i think i want to shave my head for charity, as long as someone is keen to buy me 7 beanies or hats to wear every day of the week for a month or so. I'll let you know when that day comes. |
| posted by sciurine @ 7:10 PM |
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| expectations |
What happened to the weather today?! I woke up this morning, having way too much faith in the weatherman, expecting sunshine, warmth, and the smell of summer, but what happens?...the clouds came in, the wind starts blowing and the day turned dull. I think the more expectations one have, the more disappointment one will endure. Through these few months, i have learnt not to expect anything; that way, when something good happens, you feel like the luckiest person alive; similarly, if nothing happens, you feel nothing.
But what about the saying: aim for the moon, and even if you miss, you will land upon the stars? If one is afraid of disappointment, one should not aim at all. But i'm different. I am extremely afraid of disappointment and lack of hope, but my naivity calls on me to continue aiming for the moon. This is one reason as to why i am so vulnerable. |
| posted by sciurine @ 6:40 PM |
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| Tuesday |
| stress |
Stress can often influence people in certain ways. I don't consider myself to be a stressful person, in fact, i quite enjoy it when people stress me out. It's like some sort of motivation for me, particularly when it comes to study. I'm also someone who doesn't get PMS, well at least i don't think so. I cope it and hold it in, even if it is painfully unbearable. What's the whole point of dishing out your stress on people around? How i wish stress management is a genetic trait.
My younger brother just dished it out on me. Freakin hell. Yeah, i know he's in year 12 and all, and exams and crap are coming up and he's inevitably stressed out, but there is no bloody reason to yell at his sister. This is how it came about: let me set the scene: we were both sitting at the computer and he's signed in on msn. His friend types a message: "so what time's everyone coming online?"
Me: laughed and in a joking tone: "wow, you guys organise to come online together every night?"
Silent.
Bro: "yeah, we're trying to organise something" (in a tone with too much boy attitude)
Me: "i was just asking in a nice way..."
Bro: "no you weren't"
Me: "oh yes i was, maybe i just shouldn't speak to you then"
Bro: "when do you ever speak to me?"
Me: "i asked you how school's going just last night.."
Silent.
Me: "just because you're freakin stressed, doesn't mean you can yell and dish it out on me."
Bro: "You're the one with the attitude."
Me: "What the hell?"
Bro: "does swearing make you feel better or something?"
Me: paused, and in my mind: what the hell? is that swearing?"
Me: "just shut up ok?"
Bro: "oh, so now you have control over me?"
Me: "i said just shut up."
Bro: "Why do i have to shut up when you tell me to."
Me: "go have dinner, there's no point studying when you're stressed."
Bro: "no."
Silent. Still more silent.
What the hell?! Boys can be such moody creatures. arrghh. |
| posted by sciurine @ 7:17 PM |
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| so true |
| The things that politicians and parents hate, by default, children like. |
| posted by sciurine @ 7:04 PM |
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| Monday |
| new skin |
| I am bloody sick of my previous blog skin so i thought i'd just pick a new one. I really wished i paid attention in those IT classes back in year 10, when we were taught how to manipulate webpages and design websites, coz i have an urge to make this a very personalised blog, though i don't know how!!! arrgghh.! I am so going to end up spending ages on this thing until i figure it out, but only when i've caught back up on my sleep. In other words, now is not the time. Goodnight. |
| posted by sciurine @ 10:04 PM |
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| out of words |
I am so damn sick of deep and meaningfuls right now. My mind was so clogged up, and i use the word 'was' because i think i'm telling myself that it no longer is. I am slowly freeing myself of such mind-boggling thoughts. So i'm going to refrain from speaking my mind on this blog for sometime. On a lighter note...
Hip-pip-hooray! Petrol prices are going down, down, down. It is at an all time low, and today, i filled up half a tank, yes that's $40, at 1.18/Litre. I am so happy. It'll hopefully last me a couple of weeks, but considering that my car gobbles petrol like a fat boy eating cakes, i have a feeling the tank won't last me long at all. When i first got the car and paid for all the insurance and road worthy certificate, i thought that'll be all that i'll need to pay. I didn't really think about maintainence and petrol and other money-related stuff. But certainly no regrets there, coz i have no idea how i'm supposed to survive without my car nowadays. I figure once you grow use to something, you just can't live normally without it. Dependence i call it, and its definately a bad thing.
I think i've got issues with punctuality. Through my whole high school life, i've always been the one either on time or early, never late. But how things have changed. The other day my friend asked me, with all due sincerity, why i'm always late. That question stumped me. I have no idea. It may be because my motivation to go to uni has just withered away these days, or maybe it's coz i've become such a lazy bum and no longer want to drag myself out of bed, but i think my past definately has something to do with it. Being such an obedient young lady for all my schooling years, i think my inner rebellious self is forcing its way out. I definately get kicks out of being rebellious. It feels great and i'm not going to change that for a while, though i may regret it when i get my neuro scores at the end of the year. But i'll worry about that when the time comes. On the topic of uni, i've realised today in prac class that i'm so over being the therapist. I just wanna kick back and be 'patient'..hehe, and squeeze in a few moments of non-REM sleep whenever and where ever i can. I am so going to regret this when prac exams come.
I am so proud of myself for organising volleyball today. Woohoo. I haven't played since O'camp earlier this year, and today, my love, passion and adrenaline from volleyball all rushed back into my system. Yes, my arms were bright red and stinging and i've managed some bruises from diving for shots, but i don't complain. Feelings are so much more significant than the body, i'd say. My next adrenaline rush will probably, and hopefully, be from a game of badminton. A friendly competitive game; one where we can yell and scream at eachother for losing points and aim the shuttle cock at eachother. It'll be so much fun. I really don't think i'm a competitive person at all, but seriously, with sports, competition is fun, if you take it in the right way. Competitions make you aim for something; afterall, what is life when life has no aims? |
| posted by sciurine @ 9:08 PM |
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| Saturday |
| Stupid me |
I hereby apologise to those of you who i have hurt last night by my fucken stupid actions. I knew i shouldn't have, and i knew that it was wrong, but i kept telling myself this is the only way to rid the pain. I fooled myself so deeply. I haven't done many things in my life that i have actually regretted, but i truly regret what i did last night. I woke up and shed a few droplets this morning simply because of how much i regretted it and how hard i wished it never happened. I know i can't simply blame it on the alcohol, i know i can't say that i couldn't get out of it, and i know i can't blame it on the lack of sleep. I'm truly, deeply, madly sorry.
To a certain male; thank you for understanding, thank you for accepting my sincere apology, thank you for still lending me your shoulder, and most of all, thank you for hugging me ever so tightly. I feel ever so blessed to have you by my side and support me through all of this. I couldn't bare the thought of handling it on my own. Thank you ever so much.
No matter how much my mind rattles away, i would've thought i could crash and sleep like never before after a bit of alcohol and continuous activity for 47 hours. I really thought my body would simple konck out. I didn't, surprisingly. I think i've managed a good two hour sleep in the past two days, perhaps i still can't use good to describe its poor quality. I should really sleep tonight. I know i need to. But i don't know whether i can. I really hope so. I really do. |
| posted by sciurine @ 7:44 PM |
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| Friday |
| only time will tell |
Fucken hell. Bloody hell. Oh well.
I bring you back in time to the blog i wrote a couple of months ago: puzzled. Well, right that time, i think i totally confused the hell out of the people who read my blog. No-one really knew what was going through my rather tiny little mind of mine until perhaps, now. Similarly, i was utterly bambazzled by a blog that that someone wrote on, i believe the same issue, entitled incomprehension. Both blogs were done in July. It is now September.
I mentioned in that blog that i was confused, that i knew i was guided by my heart and acting irrationally, that my brain was constantly whispering to me, telling me to correct what i had been doing wrongly. I was stuck in between two very tight, very suffocating decisions, but i couldn't make myself decide. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just wasn't brave enough. But i guess the decision had been made. Someimes i wished that i just braved it and went through with what my brain was telling me to do, but i guess i'm just someone who follows the heart where ever it leads me. Gosh i was stupid.
I believe, as this blog is very personal and only only the very very tight knit group of friends have the address to it, i think i don't need to speak any further for you all to understand my previous paragraph.
For the better or the worse? Last night, i was in pain. I was hurt. felt terrible, horrible, unrelenting. It's as if your heart just suddenly tightens upon itself and the more you think about it, the more it clenches up on you until it can't possibly contract anymore. Your body freezes up and you hold your breathe for as long as possible until you need to gasp for air. All you want to do is stop thinking, stop the mind from working, just need some quite, peaceful time where everything can just seem like a dream. But the mind never listens to what your mind wants. You keep thinking. You keep asking yourself questions after questions, even silly stupid unrelated questions, or you ask yourself what you plan to do tommorrow, what you want to eat, whether you want to be left alone or whether you want a shoulder just to lean on and share the sorrow, whether there is still hope...
These questions are all entangled into a rather small circle and they keep wrapping around and around you until you land yourself into tears once again. You try desperately to control the flow, the shaking, you dare not make a noise in case you wake those around you, and you hold onto yourself so tightly and no matter how warm the room may be, you still only sense cold.
You wonder why things like this happen. I mean, as i've previously stated in my other recent deep and meaningfuls, all things happen for a reason. But the reason for this to happen just doesn't seem to justify it. I guess i'm just failing to, and struggling to accept it, but i know only time will ease the pain, and only time will allow me to accept it. Who knows how long this may be? Days, weeks, months?
You wonder how someone so close can bring you so much happiness and laughter, yet on the same time bring you so much pain, agony, and tears. I guess, if i were to be optimistic, tears and hurt will fade with time, but the happy times and all the laughter we've had will be cherished and remembered for a lifetime. Wow, lifetime seems like forever, i guess it is in a way, but no doubt these memories will linger; unless of course i develop some sort of dementia and forget all the pain as well as all the happiness.
Today is the very first day i wore my glasses for the whole day. I walked into work with them and the physios looked at me with that look of: wow, what the hell, that girl looks intelligent (thought i might just add that part in, just for my own satisfaction). Well, i know prolonged wearing of prescription glasses are bad for the eyes, but right now, i look absolutely terrible, and i can't quite wear sunnies inside a medical clinic. My eyes are puffy - i wonder if it's some sort of inflammatory process and release of cytokines that causes puffiness after crying - coz if it is, my ice pack should've worked last night. Oh well.
Being the usual sleepy head that i am, i never ever thought i'd spend hmm...6am to 5pm the next day awake. Yes, that's right, i think that works out to be say, 35hours of being awake. Amazing isn't it? At least i think so. My eyes are absolutely stinging like crazy and my eyelids are about to droop down to protect those vulnerable eyes. I have a feeling they're also bloodshot red. Patients must think i'm on recreational drugs of some sort. Well, tonight i shall be heading home after work, put on some clothes, and back into the city for pre-drinks and clubbing. I have this feeling that i'm going to make it to 45hours without sleep. Maybe i can even just cop it out and make it 2 full days. I know i shouldn't, but what do i do, oh what do i do?!
So, back to the question, for the better or for the worse? Well, initially it was definately for the worse. But now that it's slowly starting to sink in, my brain is telling me it is for the better, but i must say, my heart speaks otherwise. I think i'm starting to get my rather stubborn head around it and it's helping to dry the tears. Habits will need to be changed, thoughts and mannerisms will need to be altered, but i know one thing will not change, and that is friendship. To know one person so much and so deeply, i can't comprehend how hard it would be to maintain that as a friendship. A close friendship.
On the topic of friendship, i must show my sincere thanks and appreciation to my friends who have helped me through this time. You know who you are and need i say more. It is the time that i feel so helpless, lonely, afraid, upset and lost, that you have stood by me, guided me down the right pathway, reassurred me that i will never be alone, that i have nothing to be afraid of, that everything will be okay. These friendships i truely long for and the fact that i have them, i feel so grateful. I have so many aquaintances, people who i can call from time to time, people who i can walk down the corridor and yell out a hi, people who i can play and have fun with; but to be sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with, i have a handful. And that is all i need. And you are one of them.
To two friends in particular, who quietly supported me today knowing how much i had been through and leant me their shoulders to lean on, to cry on, lent me their ears to let me voice all my troubles and worries, my feelings and thoughts, and spoke all the words i wanted to hear. Comforted me, hugged me and let me know that they will always there for me. I can't thank you enough. I've got goosebumps as i typed this out and i can feel tears begin to well up, so before i freak out all the physios and patients around me, i should stop. But you know how much you mean to me.
I don't swear often, so those of you who actually managed to read down to this point, i must explain to you my rhyming opening line: Fucken hell, bloody hell, oh well. Or does it not just explain itself?
I think as time passes by, i will grow and i will become stronger. I just wish time passes more quickly. |
| posted by sciurine @ 3:28 PM |
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| Wednesday |
| found my nuts |
Well, today i decided to stroll down my beloved suburb; Clayton, and i found them. I've been on a little bit of an expedition lately, trying to find good nuts. Good, fresh, chewy but not so chewy, crunchy but not so crunchy, nuts. I finally found the place i've been looking for. It's a tiny small "Clayton Mini market" grocery shop on the corner of some obscure and hard to get to place, something that a good few months back, i wouldn't comtemplate walking into, in case it's some sort of blackmarket or weirdass shopkeeper who wouldn't let you walk out unless you make a purchase. But today, i braved it and walked in, and found my nuts. Almonds, macadamias, peanuts, cashews, chestnuts, pecans, pistachios, and walnuts. Oh how i like the nuts. Yummy. Delicious. Hmm.. I think nuts have gender; macadamias, pistachios and pecans sound a little feminine and walnuts, peanuts and chestnuts are the female counter parts. Ahaha...if that actually works, i think i'm negatively skewed.
Apparently nuts have nuts are very nutritious, providing protein and many essential vitamins, such as A and E, minerals, such as phosphorous and potassium, and fibre. But for something to be so good, there must also be some fine print; nuts are high in carbohydrates and oils, so yes, if you eat too much, you get fat. Crap. Oh well; can't starve the tastebuds can i?
Anywho, nibbling away on these fresh smelling nuts as i walked back to my car, i went through a bit of a rollercoaster ride with my emotions- as if life hasn't been enough of a rollercoaster ride lately. I'd dig into the bag of nuts without looking, just hoping to get the good ones; the macadamia, the cashews, pistachios and when i do, i am content. I would chew on them and savor the moment. But when i dig into it and find i've picked out the ordinary peanuts and almonds, i get dissapointed and quickly toss them into my mouth and proceed onto my next lucky dip. This is how much fun a bag of nuts can bring you. I'm sure every one of you have been through this sort of emotion ride - think back to primary school, the lolly bags after birthday parties, or even now, when you get fruit tingles; when the two same colours come consecutively you get dissapointed, but when you get to a freckled one, you let out one of those cheeky, satisfied smile.
Doesn't it just sound a little like life itself? There are good times and there are bad times. One moment you can find youself all hyped up and excited when something lucky happens; can be as small and as insignificant as choosing the right nuts. And the next moment, you can be totally bambazzled. Crazy huh? |
| posted by sciurine @ 5:08 PM |
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| Sunday |
| Blah |
Except for my colesmyer christmas application last year, every job i've applied for, i've been selected. A bit cocky hey. At one stage, i actually ended up with 4 jobs: two clinical receptionist positions, maccas and tutoring. It was so crazy and stressful and i certainly didn't intend to get them all at once. You know how you apply for jobs, you tend to give in your pre-made resume to every store hiring at that time? Well that's what i did. So this time, i'm only applying for one job. If i get it i get it, if i don't i don't.
So, i pulled out my dusty resume - not quite dusty coz it's actually saved on computer, but i just like that word - and started manipulating, changing and deleting crap high-school awards that's so out-of-date like badminton champion 2001. I only spent half an hour typing out my new resume and covering letter for this new job - talk about being over-confident and can't be bothered attitude...
Well, to fill you all in, i'm apply for a program seller position for the Australian Open 2007. Sounds cool yeah? hehe..well i'm not quite sure what the job actually involves, but it doesn't sound too degrading or hard. The email i got from the supervisor lady mentioned that it requires confident people who have good communication skills, can yell loudly and can endure terrible unexpected melbourne weather. Doesn't sound like a fancy job anymore does it? I think i'm only going for this job for more distraction over the summer break instead of lying around on my bum and spending money without earning anything, and also simply because it sounds so cool to be working at the Australian Open 2007. Wish me luck.
Had to come up with crap for one of the sections on my resume: personal attributes. I wrote the biggest load of crap like "i'm a confident, committed, motivated young lady etc etc" But from previous experience, I figure the recruitment team would just pick up my resume and burst out into laughter. Well, writing my resume actually made me reflect on myself a little.
Most people say every one takes things for granted and you don't realise what you have until you lose them. I mean, i can't say i don't take things for granted, but most of the time, i realise how lucky i really am. I know how lucky i am to have a comfie home, a loving family, a t.v, a computer, a car and a boyfriend's shoulder to rest my head on. Right this moment in time, i honestly honestly wish for nothing more. Life can be simple if we strive to make it simple. |
| posted by sciurine @ 8:38 PM |
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| Saturday |
| another one of those |
I feel like i'm on a streak of deep and meaningfuls lately - and i'm not really liking it. Well, the reason for establishing this blog in the first place is for more life distractions and to unleash all my feelings that i find difficult to express or thoughts i can't get rid of in my head. So i figure i'm gonna stick with my word and blog deeply once again.
I hate emotions. I fucken hate emotions. I know how silly i am in saying that. Just like sensing pain, if we take away all painful stimuli, we humans will actually die. Similarly, if we take away all emotions, we never learn to know thy self, never truely comprehend the significance and understand the true meaning of life. I know i've become an emotional person over these few years and it sucks big time. It's as if after my full and final outburst on the last day of year 12, my tear ducts have remained dilated and simple things can trigger their firing. I know how much boys hate girls crying, they just don't know what to do when girls cry - a hug is all it bloody takes. As much as boys hate to see girls cry, don't forget girls also hate crying themselves. They hate how their eyes go puffy and nose goes red and stuffy after unleashing an episode - particularly at night in bed, when the eyes go twice as puffy the next morning, they hate how it annoys the boys, but above all, they hate the fact that it reveals their weakness and their vulnerability. Crying is a way of escape, of unleashment; to let things all seep out into the tears and flow away with the saline, and not bottle up the feelings. I mentioned in my last post that i'm someone who bottles everything up until i can't handle it, so when i cry, it's never just because of one thing; it's cumulative.
Tears come for a reason, but crying is so different from just simply shedding tears. Shedding tears can happen because of anger, frustration, sympathy, or because you're overwhelmed, afraid, and feel helpless. I don't think shedding tears are bad at all - it lets others know how angry you are, how much you care and how afraid you are. On the other hand, crying is most definately when your upset, and no-one can help, and you find yourself struggling so hard to get to bed, you want to immerse yourself in water and clear your head, lie down and beg the ground to just swallow you up. You constantly beg your mind to stop working, to forget about the things that brought you to tears, but fail so miserably and once again, you find your mind going around and around and around in circles.
Sometimes i envy boys. Sometimes i wish that in my next life - is there is such thing, that i'm a boy. Boys don't seem to get emotional - though it may be that they just handle it better than girls, or refuse to show their weakness when they're around. There must be some good damn hormone in their system that's released when tears well up and shut off the function of the tear ducts. I bloody wish i had this hormone - though i don't quite want the hairy legs and beard with it. Later in life, after completing physio and acupuncture along with other stuff, i think i'd like to find some time and purchase books and learn about the opposite sex. I'm in awe. I want to find out if boys think deeply, whether they've ever cried in bed before, things they are afraid of and why they do what they do. Maybe some boys can tell me that now.
Yes, i did cry last night - but not crying myself to sleep in bed this time - i cried over the phone in my car at the station. I felt great afterwards, and my body just felt so light and partially free from everything, and the phone call actually ended up with laughter and jokes, and i smiled as i drove home. Thank you for listening. I make this promise to myself for the remainder of this weekend - i am not going to fucken shed a single tear; I will be strong. |
| posted by sciurine @ 9:41 AM |
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| ABOUT |
Thoughts, ...flowing slowly and gracefully, ...awakening the senses, ...keeping you up in the night, I sometimes wonder why people write. To express? To reflect? To be heard? I write, to free myself from a world of thoughts.
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