| Saturday |
| another one of those |
I feel like i'm on a streak of deep and meaningfuls lately - and i'm not really liking it. Well, the reason for establishing this blog in the first place is for more life distractions and to unleash all my feelings that i find difficult to express or thoughts i can't get rid of in my head. So i figure i'm gonna stick with my word and blog deeply once again.
I hate emotions. I fucken hate emotions. I know how silly i am in saying that. Just like sensing pain, if we take away all painful stimuli, we humans will actually die. Similarly, if we take away all emotions, we never learn to know thy self, never truely comprehend the significance and understand the true meaning of life. I know i've become an emotional person over these few years and it sucks big time. It's as if after my full and final outburst on the last day of year 12, my tear ducts have remained dilated and simple things can trigger their firing. I know how much boys hate girls crying, they just don't know what to do when girls cry - a hug is all it bloody takes. As much as boys hate to see girls cry, don't forget girls also hate crying themselves. They hate how their eyes go puffy and nose goes red and stuffy after unleashing an episode - particularly at night in bed, when the eyes go twice as puffy the next morning, they hate how it annoys the boys, but above all, they hate the fact that it reveals their weakness and their vulnerability. Crying is a way of escape, of unleashment; to let things all seep out into the tears and flow away with the saline, and not bottle up the feelings. I mentioned in my last post that i'm someone who bottles everything up until i can't handle it, so when i cry, it's never just because of one thing; it's cumulative.
Tears come for a reason, but crying is so different from just simply shedding tears. Shedding tears can happen because of anger, frustration, sympathy, or because you're overwhelmed, afraid, and feel helpless. I don't think shedding tears are bad at all - it lets others know how angry you are, how much you care and how afraid you are. On the other hand, crying is most definately when your upset, and no-one can help, and you find yourself struggling so hard to get to bed, you want to immerse yourself in water and clear your head, lie down and beg the ground to just swallow you up. You constantly beg your mind to stop working, to forget about the things that brought you to tears, but fail so miserably and once again, you find your mind going around and around and around in circles.
Sometimes i envy boys. Sometimes i wish that in my next life - is there is such thing, that i'm a boy. Boys don't seem to get emotional - though it may be that they just handle it better than girls, or refuse to show their weakness when they're around. There must be some good damn hormone in their system that's released when tears well up and shut off the function of the tear ducts. I bloody wish i had this hormone - though i don't quite want the hairy legs and beard with it. Later in life, after completing physio and acupuncture along with other stuff, i think i'd like to find some time and purchase books and learn about the opposite sex. I'm in awe. I want to find out if boys think deeply, whether they've ever cried in bed before, things they are afraid of and why they do what they do. Maybe some boys can tell me that now.
Yes, i did cry last night - but not crying myself to sleep in bed this time - i cried over the phone in my car at the station. I felt great afterwards, and my body just felt so light and partially free from everything, and the phone call actually ended up with laughter and jokes, and i smiled as i drove home. Thank you for listening. I make this promise to myself for the remainder of this weekend - i am not going to fucken shed a single tear; I will be strong. |
posted by sciurine @ 9:41 AM   |
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| ABOUT |
Thoughts, ...flowing slowly and gracefully, ...awakening the senses, ...keeping you up in the night, I sometimes wonder why people write. To express? To reflect? To be heard? I write, to free myself from a world of thoughts.
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