| Friday |
| only time will tell |
Fucken hell. Bloody hell. Oh well.
I bring you back in time to the blog i wrote a couple of months ago: puzzled. Well, right that time, i think i totally confused the hell out of the people who read my blog. No-one really knew what was going through my rather tiny little mind of mine until perhaps, now. Similarly, i was utterly bambazzled by a blog that that someone wrote on, i believe the same issue, entitled incomprehension. Both blogs were done in July. It is now September.
I mentioned in that blog that i was confused, that i knew i was guided by my heart and acting irrationally, that my brain was constantly whispering to me, telling me to correct what i had been doing wrongly. I was stuck in between two very tight, very suffocating decisions, but i couldn't make myself decide. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just wasn't brave enough. But i guess the decision had been made. Someimes i wished that i just braved it and went through with what my brain was telling me to do, but i guess i'm just someone who follows the heart where ever it leads me. Gosh i was stupid.
I believe, as this blog is very personal and only only the very very tight knit group of friends have the address to it, i think i don't need to speak any further for you all to understand my previous paragraph.
For the better or the worse? Last night, i was in pain. I was hurt. felt terrible, horrible, unrelenting. It's as if your heart just suddenly tightens upon itself and the more you think about it, the more it clenches up on you until it can't possibly contract anymore. Your body freezes up and you hold your breathe for as long as possible until you need to gasp for air. All you want to do is stop thinking, stop the mind from working, just need some quite, peaceful time where everything can just seem like a dream. But the mind never listens to what your mind wants. You keep thinking. You keep asking yourself questions after questions, even silly stupid unrelated questions, or you ask yourself what you plan to do tommorrow, what you want to eat, whether you want to be left alone or whether you want a shoulder just to lean on and share the sorrow, whether there is still hope...
These questions are all entangled into a rather small circle and they keep wrapping around and around you until you land yourself into tears once again. You try desperately to control the flow, the shaking, you dare not make a noise in case you wake those around you, and you hold onto yourself so tightly and no matter how warm the room may be, you still only sense cold.
You wonder why things like this happen. I mean, as i've previously stated in my other recent deep and meaningfuls, all things happen for a reason. But the reason for this to happen just doesn't seem to justify it. I guess i'm just failing to, and struggling to accept it, but i know only time will ease the pain, and only time will allow me to accept it. Who knows how long this may be? Days, weeks, months?
You wonder how someone so close can bring you so much happiness and laughter, yet on the same time bring you so much pain, agony, and tears. I guess, if i were to be optimistic, tears and hurt will fade with time, but the happy times and all the laughter we've had will be cherished and remembered for a lifetime. Wow, lifetime seems like forever, i guess it is in a way, but no doubt these memories will linger; unless of course i develop some sort of dementia and forget all the pain as well as all the happiness.
Today is the very first day i wore my glasses for the whole day. I walked into work with them and the physios looked at me with that look of: wow, what the hell, that girl looks intelligent (thought i might just add that part in, just for my own satisfaction). Well, i know prolonged wearing of prescription glasses are bad for the eyes, but right now, i look absolutely terrible, and i can't quite wear sunnies inside a medical clinic. My eyes are puffy - i wonder if it's some sort of inflammatory process and release of cytokines that causes puffiness after crying - coz if it is, my ice pack should've worked last night. Oh well.
Being the usual sleepy head that i am, i never ever thought i'd spend hmm...6am to 5pm the next day awake. Yes, that's right, i think that works out to be say, 35hours of being awake. Amazing isn't it? At least i think so. My eyes are absolutely stinging like crazy and my eyelids are about to droop down to protect those vulnerable eyes. I have a feeling they're also bloodshot red. Patients must think i'm on recreational drugs of some sort. Well, tonight i shall be heading home after work, put on some clothes, and back into the city for pre-drinks and clubbing. I have this feeling that i'm going to make it to 45hours without sleep. Maybe i can even just cop it out and make it 2 full days. I know i shouldn't, but what do i do, oh what do i do?!
So, back to the question, for the better or for the worse? Well, initially it was definately for the worse. But now that it's slowly starting to sink in, my brain is telling me it is for the better, but i must say, my heart speaks otherwise. I think i'm starting to get my rather stubborn head around it and it's helping to dry the tears. Habits will need to be changed, thoughts and mannerisms will need to be altered, but i know one thing will not change, and that is friendship. To know one person so much and so deeply, i can't comprehend how hard it would be to maintain that as a friendship. A close friendship.
On the topic of friendship, i must show my sincere thanks and appreciation to my friends who have helped me through this time. You know who you are and need i say more. It is the time that i feel so helpless, lonely, afraid, upset and lost, that you have stood by me, guided me down the right pathway, reassurred me that i will never be alone, that i have nothing to be afraid of, that everything will be okay. These friendships i truely long for and the fact that i have them, i feel so grateful. I have so many aquaintances, people who i can call from time to time, people who i can walk down the corridor and yell out a hi, people who i can play and have fun with; but to be sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with, i have a handful. And that is all i need. And you are one of them.
To two friends in particular, who quietly supported me today knowing how much i had been through and leant me their shoulders to lean on, to cry on, lent me their ears to let me voice all my troubles and worries, my feelings and thoughts, and spoke all the words i wanted to hear. Comforted me, hugged me and let me know that they will always there for me. I can't thank you enough. I've got goosebumps as i typed this out and i can feel tears begin to well up, so before i freak out all the physios and patients around me, i should stop. But you know how much you mean to me.
I don't swear often, so those of you who actually managed to read down to this point, i must explain to you my rhyming opening line: Fucken hell, bloody hell, oh well. Or does it not just explain itself?
I think as time passes by, i will grow and i will become stronger. I just wish time passes more quickly. |
posted by sciurine @ 3:28 PM   |
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| ABOUT |
Thoughts, ...flowing slowly and gracefully, ...awakening the senses, ...keeping you up in the night, I sometimes wonder why people write. To express? To reflect? To be heard? I write, to free myself from a world of thoughts.
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