| Sunday |
| a territory beyond those who are stupid |
Once is accident. Twice is stupidity. Thrice?
I have lost count of the number of times i got myself repeatedly into situations where i'm drawn into never-ending negative thoughts and procrastination, which i know are detrimental to both my physical and mental health. Each time when the same thing is about to happen, i stop and tell myself not to think, not to act; but it's as if this overwhelmingly powerful mysterious force makes me end up thinking and doing. Yes, not once, not twice - i think i'm beyond pure stupidity, perhaps i've reached "the point of no return" and now, i'm simply awaiting failure. Failure of myself, of studies, of people around me. I know if i don't get myself out of this, it will sadly eventuate. Maybe it's time for me to be more rational.
But what does it mean to be rational, i ask. To me, nothing from my heart is rational. If i act purely from what my heart guides me to do, to say and to feel, i will be wrong and stupid. So for me to be slightly more rational, i need to disregard my inner desires and feelings, and follow the logical guidance of my brain. But when i reach that stage of isolation between myself and my other self, i am no longer human.
This is normally my mood - a rhythmical up/down fluctuation through the course of the day with smooth transitions between moods and a relatively small amplitude.
This has been my mood for the past few days:
Please excuse my mathematical nerdiness, but i seem not to be able to find something that will describe my behaviour as clearly and concisely as sine graphs. Perhaps the sudden increase in oscillations these days have something to do with my hormonal state but i prefer not to see it that way. With more and more thoughts, the graph drops with a negative gradient until i eventually manage to get myself to sleep, with which my mood gradually escalate, preceding a dramatic drop in mood as i wake up to my alarm clock.
I should get myself out of this messed up little world of mine. I'm silly to get into such mess, stupid in continuing in this mess, and stubborn in not letting myself get out of it. I'm sick of my current self, and i reckon the best way to resolution, and probably the fastest way, is to ignore and pretend - both of which is so much easier than to forget.
On further thoughts, i attribute my recently depressed mood to the lack of sunlight. Medical literature like to call this type of clinical depression the fancy name of: seasonal affective disorder. Apparently another symptom of this kind of depression is the constant craving for sugary foods: i have been nibbling on fruit tingles since starting this post. Uh oh. |
posted by sciurine @ 12:16 PM   |
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| ABOUT |
Thoughts, ...flowing slowly and gracefully, ...awakening the senses, ...keeping you up in the night, I sometimes wonder why people write. To express? To reflect? To be heard? I write, to free myself from a world of thoughts.
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