| Wednesday |
| rainbows |
I have a dilemma. Maybe even a trilemma, or quadrilemma.
I've worked at City Baths Clinic for almost 2 years now, as a physio receptionist; the pay is good, in fact i just got a pay rise, and to describe the job as easy is an exaggeration. I like the workmates there and we all get along too well. There is potentially a future for me there in terms of employment as a physiotherapist and i will have a lot of connections provided i continue until i graduate. I took the job in the first place to gain an insight into a private practice, but two years into the job, i have learnt all that they have to offer me there.
I started working at a Sports trainer club a month ago. I get paid shit-all but i have and will continue to gain knowledge and experience related to my future profession. However, it is a seasonal job and thus, at the end of the season, i will be unemployed.
I am trying to save for global elective. I am trying to satisfy all my hobbies which most, like coffee and food and swing/blues dance classes, require a substantial amount of cash to fully enjoy. I pay my parents for food and rent on a monthly basis. I pay the water bills quarterly. I have phone bills and petrol to pay for. I receive some allowances from the government.
The dilemma?
With tangled up thoughts running through my mind after sports training last night, i walked into Mum's room wanting to discuss with her my options: whether or not i should quit my well-paid, easy receptionist job, and take on sports training experience whose pay merely covers for petrol and travel expenses. It seems my dilemma is simply basedon a financial view, but i figure this is justified as i am planning to travel overseas at the end of the year. I hardly fitted a few sentences into the conversation with mum before she butted in and told me to stick with city baths. She was fully against me trying to change jobs when it appears that everything seem so stable right now. I tried to explain to her that i have nothing left to learn at city baths, but in vain.
Mum has never been a good listener and i hate it. Despite my attempts to discuss issues with her, she never tends to put in that effort to listen before coming to her conclusion on the topic and from there onwards, will be stubborn in listening to other perspectives. I hate it. Though i was in a relatively good mood, and culture expects us to always respect our parents no matter what, i stopped the conversation short and walked out with a small, subtle, tired sigh. I didn't mean to give attitude to mum, and i don't think i did, but poor listeners really do frustrate me these times where i'm trying to seek logical and rational advice and comfort.
I figure mum spoke to dad about it afterwards, 'cause just before, dad came into my room and offered a massage. Normally i need to ask for one, but tonight, he offered. Although i am to blame for not informing or letting my parents keep up to date with my current life, i was initially very frustrated at how clueless dad was and angry at how little he understood of me. I am to blame, i know. I never tend to let them into my life these days, sometimes it's because i find that they just don't understand what i tell them, but most of the times, i like to think that i am protecting them from worrying too much over my rather hectic and misplaced life, and i refuse to shed a tear when they're around. I prefer to cry to a friend, or if necesary, in bed at night. That's not to say i don't love them. I do and i love my family from the deepest of my heart, and i guess, tonight seemed to prove that our love is mutual; not that i ever doubted it.
After letting out all the frustration, i quietened down and explained my situation to dad. Dad listened. And he understood. He asked questions to clarify and took the time and patience to understand. Complete opposite to mum.
He put my teary face against his chest; something i have never done in my life, and he offered me solution. He offered to support me and give me a weekly allowance so that i may continue enjoying my dancing and coffee, so that i won't feel financially restricted. He told me to do what i like; to quit city baths if i felt that they have nothing else to offer me and move onto sports training. He emphasised to me that money should not be a deciding factor. I know he loves me and he will do anything for me, but that also frustrated me. Dad doesn't make a living easily or anything, and i don't want him to feel obliged to support his twenty year old daughter. I refused to accept his offer and i cried at even imagining me needing to resort to living off him at this age. Yes, i cried. It's been years since i've shed a tear in front of dad. I've managed to hold it back all these years, but tonight, i let it out. I've bottled enough tears up and i guess, it's time for it to come out.
Me: "dad, don't you understand, i don't want to take money off you. I have not needed money from home since year 9 and now you're telling me to suddenly revert back to high school days. I'll feel restricted in what i do. I just don't want that. You don't understand."
Dad: "i'm your dad, if i don't help you through these times, who will? it's my responsibility to you. I will just give you money every week and you can do whatever you want with it. We'll keep that a secret between you and me. I won't ask you anything. You just have to let me know if you don't have enough. Okay?"
I am hating the thought of taking money from home. I don't know whether it's just pride (which i would highly doubt) or stubbornness. Or maybe i just don't feel right in doing so. Or maybe the tears are simply a result of me being overwhelmed with appreciation for my dad.
I'm just stubborn.
I gave dad a hug, and a very rare kiss on the cheek as he left my room. The decision's made, at least dad thinks so, and it is now up to me to type that resignation letter and hand it in. But when should i do it? And should i? |
posted by sciurine @ 8:37 PM   |
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| ABOUT |
Thoughts, ...flowing slowly and gracefully, ...awakening the senses, ...keeping you up in the night, I sometimes wonder why people write. To express? To reflect? To be heard? I write, to free myself from a world of thoughts.
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