heads down bottoms up: it hurt me more than her

heads down bottoms up

This new skin brings about a fresh new beginning, a change, reminding us the importance of looking at things from another perspective so that we may learn to understand and accept all that we see for not what they appear to be, but what they truly are.

Monday

it hurt me more than her

I knew it would've been silly for us to hang on and make her hang in there; i knew it was time to let go, but however much i tried to mentally prepare myself for it, it was still not enough to stop the tears from flowing this morning.

My heart beat quicker than usual waking up to the alarm. It must've been some sort of biological system kicking in, attempting to calm my nerves or something. I rushed to get ready, hoping to spend as much time with her before leaving. I thought i was fine. I rehearsed it all mentally last night, and the night before; wake up, wash face, eat breakfast, put her into the car, drive off, fill in the forms, walk out and go to uni. But i came to pieces as i walked out into the backyard and called for her. She waddled, slowly, but happily to me, lightly panting after bathing in the early morning sun on the dirt. She looked fine; she's not ready to leave us, i thought.

I gave her a nice big cuddle, and guided her out into my car. She straddled very slowly behind me, and couldn't managed jumping into the car. Her tail continued to wag though. I think her experience would have been similar to that of the prisoner off the green mile - at least for the prisoner, he knew what was awaitng him. For lucki, she didn't even know this morning was her last day at home, with her family, and in this world - for all she knew, she could've been anticipating a nice morning stroll in the park.

I told myself to be strong. I convinced myself that this is the best thing i can offer lucky - to relieve her of the pain and agony she was going through. But i broke down when the Vet asked me a rhetorical question; "so you decided to put her down?" To that i replied with a muffled hum, burying my forehead into lucki, who was resting comfortably on the metal plinth. The vet kindly left the room for lucki and i to have out last moment together, during which lucki was as lively as ever. She twitched and turned, rested in my arms and licked my hand. If only we could all be so clueless.

The vet returned with a syringe filled with a green general anesthetic. She shaved a portion of lucki's fur on her leg for a clear view of the injection point. Lucki hated it, and i was so glad i was there to comfort her. I held her close to me , resting against my chest and in my arms as the deadly green liquid pumped in and around her body, paralysing her muscles, and soon her hind legs weakened and i caught her weight with my hands. She rested nicely on the metal table, panting. Unexpectedly, the vet yanked out another syringe, another one filled with the same green poison. The panting progressively slowed to a halt as the second dose flowed through her veins, and her nose stopped wiggling. No longer did she need to endure the pain of the massive cancerous lump that was munching away her flesh. She rested, in peace.

As hard as it was to be present during the euthansia, i think that was the last thing lucki could have asked me to do for her. It probably hurt me more than the injection hurt her, but i can't imagine leaving her in the hands of a stranger during her last moment and facing death alone - just like what my family did to me, i am made to endure this pain alone. Though i was a peaceful death, i believe she needed me there by her side to cuddle her and to comfort her - and i didn't let her down.

More than a friend.It is so hard letting you go.
6th November 1998 - 12th February 2007

posted by sciurine @ 8:53 PM

1 Comments:

At 1:01 AM, gneake said…

farewell my friend's more-than-a-friend.