heads down bottoms up: i never do the right thing, do i?

heads down bottoms up

This new skin brings about a fresh new beginning, a change, reminding us the importance of looking at things from another perspective so that we may learn to understand and accept all that we see for not what they appear to be, but what they truly are.

Friday

i never do the right thing, do i?

There was a very uncomfortable, awkward, and unwelcoming silence around the house today. Dad and my two brothers were at work, so that left Mum and i at home. Normally, it's a nice girl's time together where mum just long-windedly blab on and complain about my older brother, how he never contributes to the family and how she can't wait till he moves out, but today was different; she woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It's strange/funny that when one thing goes wrong, a million others follow. Is it one of those murphy's laws again? I had a terrible start to the day with a phone call and everything from there onwards went down hill.

Typical conversations today with mum went like this:

Me: cheerily, "mum, i'm going out for a run. Be back soon."
Mum: silence.
I leave.

Come back. Take out some socks i bought the other day.
Me: "Look, i brought new socks."
Mum: crankily, "well then throw out your old socks, or else you just keep buying and keep piling it up. you're a girl you know, you need to keep your room clean. You always go out when you have free time, why don't you...la la la.."
I couldn't make out the rest of the lecture 'cause i decided to do my routine walk away from the noise source move. I wonder how the socks triggered such cranky talk.

Desperately attempting to be a good girl, i decided to hand wash all my worn clothes, after which i went up to mum, again.
Me: nicely, "i'm gonna change my bed sheets, anything you need to put in the washing machine?"
Mum: grunts.
Me: *sighs*
Mum: "don't you sigh at me. i raised you up and looked after you and blah blah blah."

Still awaiting an answer. No answer. Fine. Walks away from crime scene.

A moment later

Mum: yells from the kitchen, "why don't u take your doona out in the sun for a while as well. you know you should do all these things yourself. I'm not going to care about it anymore. you're old enough..la la la.."
Me: wtf?

A few moments later

Me: "how about i make lunch for us today?"
Mum: rather angrily, "what?"
Me: "i saw some vegies and stuff in the fridge, i'll just put today a tuna pasta salad. You want some too?"
Mum: "do whatever you want."
Me: *darts eyes*

Silence.

I honestly have no idea what to make of our conversations today, if they can even be classified as conversations as such. It's not like i've been particularly rebellious these few days. I admit, sometimes i do have attitude but i never talk back. Never. I obey them. I wake up at 6:50am a few days a week to drive my younger brother to work, i drive mum and dad to the station and pick them up, i let them take my car whenever they need it, i do my chores, i pay my monthly contribution to the family even when i have hardly any income, i pay the water bills. I seriously don't know what to do anymore. Should i be doing more? Have i done the wrong thing and if so, what exactly is the right thing to do?

I just don't understand. It tears me up to bits on the inside. Don't get me wrong, i know they love me and all, but it's just moments like today that i feel shredded to pieces.

I never seem to do the right things these days. Never. Everything is wrong in one way or another, no matter how hard i try. When bad things happen between friends, you can find escape in the comfort of your own home, but when bad things happen at home, where do you escape to?

I am full of hatred at the moment. And tears are welling up inside of me. Luckily, my Blue Day Book offers me some consolation at times like these. I'm going to spend the next two hours out in some unknown park immersing myself into a novel of some kind. My way of escape and freedom. Just wished i had some company, someone to just sit in silence with me.

Oh well.

posted by sciurine @ 5:21 PM

2 Comments:

At 4:36 AM, Jingo said…

My mum is like that sometimes with me... except it's usually about my education.
At 1:57 PM, sciurine said…

Yeah, my mum used to be a bit up tight about my studies too, until i've gradually earned her trust and let her know that i know what i'm doing with my life. Now she has no control over what i do and don't do at uni anymore. But it's different at home.