| Tuesday |
| lost in my own creation |
Exam time seems to be the perfect time for reflection. Not reflecting over what i do and don't know for tomorrow's exam, not what i should be studying right now, but just a small self reflection.
I've changed a lot these few months. Too much. In a way that i think i'm struggling to completely catch up with myself. I mean, i think it's because of all the stuff i've been through, be it family, friends, my beloved puppy, and my mind's just still slowly coming to terms with reality. In many ways, i've become a happier person, i've learnt to enjoy life, i've thrown everything out the window and thrive on simple happiness. But to the same extent, i've also been tied up, suffocated and trying so very hard to drag myself out of the massive crater i've dug for myself. I wonder how both extremes of emotions can possibly co-exist. But it can, and i'm living proof. Perhaps that can explain my rather impulsive, uninhibited mood swings these couple of months. Extreme talkativeness and laughter, then a sudden retracted and quiet status.
I use to be a person who knows exactly what i want without question, i wouldn't think about consequences and i'll act on what ever that comes to mind without hestitation. Yes, i still act on impulse and i'm still the random girl most people refer to, but i tend to hestitate more, question myself more, and honestly, i have no clue what i want anymore. It's almost liken to being blown out into the middle of the ocean with only a wooden boat and paddle, and you can't see how far you're away from the shore, nor do you know how far you are to another island. You don't know whether you should paddle backwards to where you left off as that might take more effort and a longer time than if you were to just go with luck and wait for another wind take you to a whole new place. Perhaps a brighter, more beautiful island awaits you.
So basically, i'm stuck in the middle of my own self created ocean, lost in direction, and hestitant to make any decisions. Lost in my own creation. For the meantime, i'm happy that i've come to one decision; i am going to lie comfortably in my wooden boat, sun bake, and wait. Who knows what's right around the corner right? I guess it could be a massive storm or a whirl wind that's going to swallow me up, or thinking more optimistically, i might get a good tan before waking up to a mystical island so beautiful one can't even dream of. |
posted by sciurine @ 6:47 PM   |
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| 2 Comments: |
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careful lying out there for too long, you might get sunburnt...and you may not reach either island....
but i know how you feel, i've felt the same before, it was a few years back. you just have to accept that once you've changed, it's much harder to go back...you might not want to go back.
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i don't think you know how i feel, 'coz i honestly have no idea how i feel. It's like a viscious cycle: i'm confused>>confusion confuses me>>more confusion>>leads back to me...and so on...arrghh
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careful lying out there for too long, you might get sunburnt...and you may not reach either island....
but i know how you feel, i've felt the same before, it was a few years back. you just have to accept that once you've changed, it's much harder to go back...you might not want to go back.