| Thursday |
| accept reality or defy the inevitable? |
God seems to enjoy putting His people to the test. He seems to create obstacles and make what could be a simple, smooth journey of life a bumpy rollercoaster ride. It wasn't long ago when i found myself stumbling into one of His barriers, and whilst still quietly struggling to climb over that one, He has put me up for another challenge. This time, it's not about deciding for myself, but for someone else who i love dearly.
A few weeks ago, Mum noticed an unsual lump near the cervix region on my dog, Lucki. The lump enlarged rapidly over a few days time, and it became hot and tender to touch. Lucki, usually wild and energetic and would never ever turn her back on food, became very lethargic, sloppy and tired. Her refusal to our offering of doggy treats prompted us to seek medical attention. She's been diagnosed with cervical cancer.
Lucki's been with me since i was 9 years old. It was during summer back in '98 when our whole family took a long trip down to Geelong to pick her up. She was only 6 weeks back then; so little we could fit her into our palms. I remember how afraid she was as she was put into the cardboard box, leaving her home and never to see her parents and siblings again. She tensed up each time us kids tried to pet her and grab her out of the box into our palms, but soon learnt that she had nothing to be afraid of.
For a few weeks when settling into her new home, she was struggling to sleep in the unusual surroundings, and refused to drink the milk. I remember sitting out in the backyard every morning before school, and straight after school, patiently spoon feeding her with milk. Then every night, i made sure there was a ticking clock right next to her kennel to help her get to sleep. It wasn't long before she loved us, and we loved her.
These past ten years, she's learnt what to do and what to not do, she's kept me company lying beside my feet whilst i study, she's listened to all my troubles and had never failed to make me happy. The night me and my ex broke up, i sat outside my bedroom hugging her ever so tighty, crying to her, and whispering to her what i feared to speak out loud, meanwhile, her glistening eyes would glare intently into mine, as if to silently offer me her support and understanding.
But now, she's tired. One night, she refused to come out of her kennel, and each step she took seemed to be getting heavier and heavier, slowing to a halt as if the pain wouldn't allow her to go any further. I remember that night was the night before my first uni exam, but i couldn't bring myself to concentrate on study knowing Lucki was suffering outside. I ended up sitting with her for two hours, petting her, hugging her and talking to her. That night I retreated to bed in fear. Fearful of waking up the next morning and finding her still, motionless and cold lying inside her kennel and not responding to my call.
She's slightly better nowadays, but the lump is still growing. The antibiotics and antiinflammatories helped ease the pain a little, and she's eating and playing again. And now, decisions have to be made. It's as if it's not hard enough to decide as it is, and having Mum costantly mentioning Lucki and how sad everything is and complaining about how hard it is to decide, just makes the decision more difficult. I understand that she's just as saddened by these circmstances as i am, but there's just no need to have it constant hanging over our heads. *arrgh*
Given Mum's overwhelming distress and indecisiveness, the boys' appearingly indifferent attitude, and the fact that i'm the primary liason person with the vet, i am unfortunately left with the decision. If we decide to proceed with the operation, diagnostic tests alone can cost up to $1000, on top of which are the costs of the operation, day hospital and follow up cures. I'm not trying make out as if the decision is based purely on money matters, but i understand that it is certainly a factor to consider when it can add up to $5000-$6000. There is no guaranteed success, and according to the vet, prognosis is relatively poor given Lucki's age. On the other hand, the operation could save her and keep her with me for another couple of years, and without it, she may not make it to the end of this year. But at the same time, the operation may cause even more pain and suffering for Lucki, something that perhaps Lucki herself isn't willing to risk. Is this a chance worth taking? I don't know, nor do i want to decide.
When is it that we just need to accept reality, and when is it justified to watch a opportunity go by when it could possibly save a life? Is it moral and ethical to make a decision for someone else's life? This brings in the topic of euthanasia, an issue that my vet brought up with me during our consultation. When the pain becomes unbearable, is it justified to simply put her out of her agony and let her rest? But when is the pain considered unbearable and who's to judge?
I know it's partly silly and ridiculous for me to even have to think this much over something that may in fact seem minuscule and insignificant to others, but i assure you that if you manage to put yourself into my shoes and understand what it is like to develop a 10 year bond with your pet, you can probably feel the pain and appreciate that it is a difficult decision to make. |
posted by sciurine @ 9:20 PM   |
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| ABOUT |
Thoughts, ...flowing slowly and gracefully, ...awakening the senses, ...keeping you up in the night, I sometimes wonder why people write. To express? To reflect? To be heard? I write, to free myself from a world of thoughts.
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