heads down bottoms up: one of those

heads down bottoms up

This new skin brings about a fresh new beginning, a change, reminding us the importance of looking at things from another perspective so that we may learn to understand and accept all that we see for not what they appear to be, but what they truly are.

Thursday

one of those

Well, i'd never thought i'd ever find myself blogging at 6pm on a Thursday night, when i really should just lay back on my comfie bed, put on some Hamish and Andy and give myself a gentle neck massage - afterall it's been quite a long exhausting 8am start at uni. But no, i'm here. I'm yet again, going through one of those times where my brain doesn't seem to want to shut the hell up. If people around me can hear my mind speak, i'm certain they'd all rather be deaf.

Just half an hour ago, i found myself lying inside my car gazing at the blue sky and the beautiful horizon. My car was hot and stuffy and the UV rays were glaring directly into my rather delicate eyes. But that didn't matter. When you totally and completely immerse yourself into deep thoughts; nothing matters. I like sitting in my car for this reason; no-one's there to disturb you, and the effective sound reflecting windows insulate you against the harsh and polluted world outside. It's a time that you can truely spend with yourself.

As a little kid, I've always held tightly onto the belief that there must be some great being up there looking over us all, controlling our actions, the consequences that follows, our fate, destiny, life and death. Don't get me wrong; i'm no christian. I'm simply what they call a free thinker. Someone who believes that there is someone far greater than themselves in this universe and beyond. Gazing into mother nature, i feel as if He is with me, close by me, following my journey in life, guiding me in the right path, listening to everything i have to say. To think that such great being made tears well up in my eyes.

I've always wondered whether or not all things happen for a reason? Why do we think, why do we strive, why do we seek, why do we cry? Today, i've finally found the answer i've been searching for half my life. Things don't just happen simply because someone up there just decided to make it happen. All things happen for a reason, whether we like it or not. Whether it's to guide us through the journey or life, to turn us away from evil, to allow us to understand those around us, to make us realise what's important in our lives. Sometimes i tend to convince myself that there's no real reason for somethings to happen. But now that i think back to those times, and i know i was just too afraid to accept the reason behind it. We shun away from what we are scared of, we refuse to believe in somethings even when it is balantly obvious and is put in front of our eyes, we convince ourselves that there must be some other better reason.

I like to think of myself as a strong women, but indeed i'm not that strong at all. Though i may be assertive and stand up for myself when need be, express and confront issues, i realise i can be quite weak. Weak on the inside. I long for sercurity and protection, for comfort and stablity. Most of the times, i make myself believe that i can swallow up all my feelings and not let anything penetrate my strong outer shell, but i eventually find all these swallowed up feelings creep back, slowly gnawling away on my inside, making me feel small, vulnerable, weak, and even The Blue Day book won't help. No-one sees this side of me - not even Mum and Dad. I haven't cried to them probably since primary school. In fact, i think my friends have seen that side of me more than my parents.

I guess i should mention the fact that these feelings don't generally come often, maybe a few times per annum, but when they strike, it's a hard and tough battle. A battle only i can fight alone. The other 360 days i live life as if nothing in the world matters. I live it to enjoy it. I can be serious, but i certainly don't lack the ability to laugh at myself. I can be deep and meaningful, but i can also do the stupidest and silliest things man can think of. I can give people shit, but i can cope it when it comes around. I can be quiet, but i can also be the chirpiest bird around - but i'm generally the chirpy one.

I've spent a good hour and a half on this blog. I think it's time for me to shut this side of my hemisphere down, open up the other side and dig into some books. But before i do so, i need to feed my tummy.

posted by sciurine @ 6:07 PM

2 Comments:

At 12:59 AM, Prioroftheori said…

Hahaha, beautiful, this is MUCH more of what I would like to see from you in the future. You can be saved yet, hehehe. I shall blog a response to yours after I finish my one on power. Cheers
At 9:18 AM, sciurine said…

i can safely say that was the deepest ever piece of writing i've ever done in my life. Stirred up so many feelings i had going inside of me. I'm in need of a few shotties and a good night sleep.