heads down bottoms up
 
This new skin brings about a fresh new beginning, a change, reminding us the importance of looking at things from another perspective so that we may learn to understand and accept all that we see for not what they appear to be, but what they truly are.
Saturday
a long anticipated trip
I have always wanted to go for a long road trip with mates since graduating from high school a couple of years back. Discussions and planning of these trips always seem to end half way, like a ski trip i was supposed to go to last year never happened, and the conversations regarding a hiking trip at cradle mountain and the grampians were also left in the mist. But this time, it's really going to happen. We're off to the Great Ocean Road for 5 days! Although there won't be much hiking, i'm sure the beautiful scenery, beaches and waterfalls will most definitely leave me breathless nonetheless. Farewell Melbourne for a few days. Farewell to technology for a few days.
posted by sciurine @ 10:07 AM   2 comments
Thursday
greek coconut cake
After my horrible failure last few times with my chocolate truffles that never made it into the truffle circular shape, lemon cake that didn't taste like lemon, my profiteroles that deformed after leaving it in the fridge and mocha rumballs that tasted slightly bitter, i was up for another challenge. Today, i decided on a greek coconut cake.

Success! It turned out like the shape of a normal cake, it's crispy on the top and bottom, it's cooked properly, and it tastes coconuty. But improve i must.
posted by sciurine @ 10:22 PM   0 comments
adding salad to an already overflowing dish
In two days time, each of us melburnians will be given the power to decide the way in which victoria will be led for the next four years. Whilst it is only one vote each, through numerous occasions of counting school elections, i truly appreciate this one vote that i have, and i can understand that through the perferential voting scheme, one vote can mean alot. DON'T you dare underestimate your power.

I already have a clear idea as to who i'd be voting for, but there is just one question that has been bugging me, and i'd like to have it cleared up. Both the major parties, labour and liberal propose to increase usage of the current public transport system to reduce traffic problems and pollution. I think this is a wise decision, however, how viable is it?

For those of you out there who are lucky enough to experience the thrill of catching public transport day in-day out, you'd understand why i'm questioning the practicability of their proposal. For those who decide to further pollute the already polluted world by using private vehicles to and from work, let me fill you in on the excitement. Currently, during peak hour traffic times, for trains that travel from zone 3 into the city, by the time the trains reach stations towards the end of zone 2, there are already no seats, hardly any standing room, and you are almost guaranteed to hear the voice over lady apologise for any inconvenience caused due to delays. Almost every station parking areas i live near or those further towards the city are completely occupied before 8am, and cars end up forcing their way onto grassed areas and over concrete kerbs, dumping their cars there for the day.

There are solutions to these two problems. One, make connex operate even more trains during peak hours to reduce congestion, which i completely doubt its practicability given the massive delays already. Two, bulldoze houses surrounding the train stations and extend them into parking lots. Silly. Can Ted Ballieu and Steve Bracks not see the consequences of making public transport free for all students and wiping out zone 3?
posted by sciurine @ 9:24 PM   0 comments
accept reality or defy the inevitable?
God seems to enjoy putting His people to the test. He seems to create obstacles and make what could be a simple, smooth journey of life a bumpy rollercoaster ride. It wasn't long ago when i found myself stumbling into one of His barriers, and whilst still quietly struggling to climb over that one, He has put me up for another challenge. This time, it's not about deciding for myself, but for someone else who i love dearly.

A few weeks ago, Mum noticed an unsual lump near the cervix region on my dog, Lucki. The lump enlarged rapidly over a few days time, and it became hot and tender to touch. Lucki, usually wild and energetic and would never ever turn her back on food, became very lethargic, sloppy and tired. Her refusal to our offering of doggy treats prompted us to seek medical attention. She's been diagnosed with cervical cancer.

Lucki's been with me since i was 9 years old. It was during summer back in '98 when our whole family took a long trip down to Geelong to pick her up. She was only 6 weeks back then; so little we could fit her into our palms. I remember how afraid she was as she was put into the cardboard box, leaving her home and never to see her parents and siblings again. She tensed up each time us kids tried to pet her and grab her out of the box into our palms, but soon learnt that she had nothing to be afraid of.

For a few weeks when settling into her new home, she was struggling to sleep in the unusual surroundings, and refused to drink the milk. I remember sitting out in the backyard every morning before school, and straight after school, patiently spoon feeding her with milk. Then every night, i made sure there was a ticking clock right next to her kennel to help her get to sleep. It wasn't long before she loved us, and we loved her.

These past ten years, she's learnt what to do and what to not do, she's kept me company lying beside my feet whilst i study, she's listened to all my troubles and had never failed to make me happy. The night me and my ex broke up, i sat outside my bedroom hugging her ever so tighty, crying to her, and whispering to her what i feared to speak out loud, meanwhile, her glistening eyes would glare intently into mine, as if to silently offer me her support and understanding.

But now, she's tired. One night, she refused to come out of her kennel, and each step she took seemed to be getting heavier and heavier, slowing to a halt as if the pain wouldn't allow her to go any further. I remember that night was the night before my first uni exam, but i couldn't bring myself to concentrate on study knowing Lucki was suffering outside. I ended up sitting with her for two hours, petting her, hugging her and talking to her. That night I retreated to bed in fear. Fearful of waking up the next morning and finding her still, motionless and cold lying inside her kennel and not responding to my call.

She's slightly better nowadays, but the lump is still growing. The antibiotics and antiinflammatories helped ease the pain a little, and she's eating and playing again. And now, decisions have to be made. It's as if it's not hard enough to decide as it is, and having Mum costantly mentioning Lucki and how sad everything is and complaining about how hard it is to decide, just makes the decision more difficult. I understand that she's just as saddened by these circmstances as i am, but there's just no need to have it constant hanging over our heads. *arrgh*

Given Mum's overwhelming distress and indecisiveness, the boys' appearingly indifferent attitude, and the fact that i'm the primary liason person with the vet, i am unfortunately left with the decision. If we decide to proceed with the operation, diagnostic tests alone can cost up to $1000, on top of which are the costs of the operation, day hospital and follow up cures. I'm not trying make out as if the decision is based purely on money matters, but i understand that it is certainly a factor to consider when it can add up to $5000-$6000. There is no guaranteed success, and according to the vet, prognosis is relatively poor given Lucki's age. On the other hand, the operation could save her and keep her with me for another couple of years, and without it, she may not make it to the end of this year. But at the same time, the operation may cause even more pain and suffering for Lucki, something that perhaps Lucki herself isn't willing to risk. Is this a chance worth taking? I don't know, nor do i want to decide.

When is it that we just need to accept reality, and when is it justified to watch a opportunity go by when it could possibly save a life? Is it moral and ethical to make a decision for someone else's life? This brings in the topic of euthanasia, an issue that my vet brought up with me during our consultation. When the pain becomes unbearable, is it justified to simply put her out of her agony and let her rest? But when is the pain considered unbearable and who's to judge?

I know it's partly silly and ridiculous for me to even have to think this much over something that may in fact seem minuscule and insignificant to others, but i assure you that if you manage to put yourself into my shoes and understand what it is like to develop a 10 year bond with your pet, you can probably feel the pain and appreciate that it is a difficult decision to make.
posted by sciurine @ 9:20 PM   0 comments
Monday
unexpected calls
I never thought i'd ever be saying this...but i am so sick of my mobile right now. Last night i maximised my optus free time, in addition to two hours on my home phone. That's an accumulated 6 hours worth of yapping. The people were so fun to talk with, but oh so tiring *ugh*

I might as well surprise you with another thing; i woke up at 8am these two days! Yes, and i'm on holidays. Crazy huh? Quietly proud of myself.
posted by sciurine @ 9:59 AM   0 comments
Tuesday
a stroll back in time


Today, I wore part of my school uniform into uni. I woke up this morning, opened up my suit case and carefully pulled out my school uniform. Unfortunately bits of it was missing, but nonetheless i managed to put something together. I put on my polo top and massively stretched and deformed baggy green jumper and stared at myself in the mirror. Yes, the asian inside me came out: 景物仍舊; 人面全飛. It translates to something like; "Everything remains the same, but the person has changed."

I remember the last school assembly. I recall the moment myself and the other two school captains raised the school banner, and held it high in front of the entire school with the school song in the background, the moment that marked our official graduation where we will no longer be called OLSH students, but instead, ex-OLSHies. I mumbled to the song with tears drizzling down my cheeks. Apparantly i made many of the year 12s cry. Crying is contagious. I cried 'coz i was afraid. I was afraid of the thought of not seeing these teachers and friends i've spent last 6 years of my life with, i was afraid of stepping into a whole new surrounding and outside my comfort zone, and i was afraid of changing.

But today, as the chinese proverb flowed through my mind, i felt nothing but detachment. I look at myself in the mirror and i can truly say i'm happy for the way i have changed. I no longer feel sad for having to leave OLSH behind, instead, i'm grateful for how it's helped me in becoming the person i am now. I know it sounds rather strange, and somehow corny to love my secondary school this much, 'coz most people i speak to were either completely disengaged and didn't care, or they absolutely despised their school and couldn't wait to leave. I had a chance to change schools back in year 9, and no matter how much my parents brainwashed me into changing, i refused. And i believe that's one of the best decisions i've ever made in my life.



This polo shirt reminds me of a lot. I have a lot of comments on this shirt that greeted me as a "bully." I feel the need to explain myself. I wasn't a bully; in fact, i was the victim to the many bullies around me. In year 12, everytime i accidently drifted off to sleep in physics classes, my teacher, Phillip, would either 1) yell at me, 2) freak me out with 'the organ man' or 3) pour water into my ear. He was the bully who got everyone calling me a bully.
And the comments on my shirt that was directed to "cripple", that's simply referring to my experience on crutches, my passion in sports and numerous accidents/falls due to my overwhelming passion. Whether it's soccer, cricket,volleyball, badminton, netball, basketball, and softball, i have not failed to injure myself either because i would continually dive for every ball until the end of the game, or someone shoves me over. And i have scars to prove it.

If i am to name three things i truly miss from high school besides friends, it'll probably be my physics class where i was constantly being bullied, religion classes where discussions often drifted off to topics involving sex education, and my sporting teams.

But no matter now, i am happy now as the person i am, and wouldn't want to go back anymore. I guess i've managed to reach the other island on this matter.

Whilst on this topic of islands, one of my several reasons for feeling all of a sudden empty and lost, is because of my lack of direction in life. I had this dilemma - monolemma more so - a couple of months ago and i thought it was solved. Refer to this post. My faith is once again shaken after speaking to a few other colleagues on this topic. One of them, after transferring into physio after a year of science/arts explained to me why her faith in physiotherapy was also tethering onto nothing. She's even applied for internal transfers for next year. Apparantly, a lot of second years are also going through this phase. In my opinion, second year is almost like the 'point of no return' for most physio students. It is the year that we are introduced to the real profession and treatment techniques, and it is now that students decide whether they truly believe in it or not. If they were to drop out, 2nd year will be the year. If they stay, they will most likely finish the degree. I'm staying; but i can't see my education ending in two years time.

That's enough for now. However much i question what we learn, i still have to study and aim to past my prac exam.
Just had an argument with Mum =( Not happy. I guess it'll be a silent treatment for us both for what's left of tonight. *sighs*

But before i go, just to cheer myself up at the expense of a certain male, check out these sexy pics:



Not a bad uniform...



until you see the other half...
posted by sciurine @ 8:20 PM   3 comments
Wednesday
rhetorical question
Like my newly-designed blog page? I love the colour. Dull and simple.
posted by sciurine @ 8:14 PM   2 comments
Tuesday
get me out of here
Is it just me or this week has gone super slowly? It's only Tuesday, and i was over the whole examination process yesterday afternoon. Crap.

Surprisingly, the week doesn't quite feel like an exam week to me. No stress whatsoever; which explains why i'm here blogging. Or is it returning and connecting to my addiction? Either way, i need someone to stress me out without increasing my risk of hypertension.

It was rather exhilirating walking into examination hall today. Not that i was particularly looking forward to sitting there and writing for two hours, but just excited to turn the page over and see what's hidden inside. You spend all week studying and trying to predict what's on the paper, and here's the time you get the answer to your long-awaited question. How could we not get excited?! Almost like a christmas present - or not. But the excitment generally dissipates extremely quickly before reading time finishes.

These past two exams gave me mixed emotions. Yesterday's 100 Multiple choice paper was pure exhaustion and i don't even have a clue how many questions i was actually confident with. Honestly, no more than 20. I depise lecturers would don't lecture and yet expect us to answer their questions. (Yes, Ernie, that's you.) And today, i didn't get to complete the paper, and left 15 marks out, but i walked out poised and carried the oh-i-don't-care attitude.

I reckon the less prepared i am for something, the more adrenaline rush i experience before an exam. Adrenaline equals euphoria. So..does that justify my lack of motivation to study, and my reason for blogging again? Blogging is my euphoria fix. *yum*

Oh and on another note: I hate sexyback by justin timberlake. Grosses me out to picture him tightly grasping a standing microphone, rubbing himself up and down poking his tongue out whilst singing that song. eww. *cold shivers* (Don't ask me why that imagery comes into my mind when i hear that song)
posted by sciurine @ 7:46 PM   0 comments
lost in my own creation
Exam time seems to be the perfect time for reflection. Not reflecting over what i do and don't know for tomorrow's exam, not what i should be studying right now, but just a small self reflection.

I've changed a lot these few months. Too much. In a way that i think i'm struggling to completely catch up with myself. I mean, i think it's because of all the stuff i've been through, be it family, friends, my beloved puppy, and my mind's just still slowly coming to terms with reality. In many ways, i've become a happier person, i've learnt to enjoy life, i've thrown everything out the window and thrive on simple happiness. But to the same extent, i've also been tied up, suffocated and trying so very hard to drag myself out of the massive crater i've dug for myself. I wonder how both extremes of emotions can possibly co-exist. But it can, and i'm living proof. Perhaps that can explain my rather impulsive, uninhibited mood swings these couple of months. Extreme talkativeness and laughter, then a sudden retracted and quiet status.

I use to be a person who knows exactly what i want without question, i wouldn't think about consequences and i'll act on what ever that comes to mind without hestitation. Yes, i still act on impulse and i'm still the random girl most people refer to, but i tend to hestitate more, question myself more, and honestly, i have no clue what i want anymore. It's almost liken to being blown out into the middle of the ocean with only a wooden boat and paddle, and you can't see how far you're away from the shore, nor do you know how far you are to another island. You don't know whether you should paddle backwards to where you left off as that might take more effort and a longer time than if you were to just go with luck and wait for another wind take you to a whole new place. Perhaps a brighter, more beautiful island awaits you.

So basically, i'm stuck in the middle of my own self created ocean, lost in direction, and hestitant to make any decisions. Lost in my own creation. For the meantime, i'm happy that i've come to one decision; i am going to lie comfortably in my wooden boat, sun bake, and wait. Who knows what's right around the corner right? I guess it could be a massive storm or a whirl wind that's going to swallow me up, or thinking more optimistically, i might get a good tan before waking up to a mystical island so beautiful one can't even dream of.
posted by sciurine @ 6:47 PM   2 comments
Sunday
things you can't help but wonder
I have never failed to continually amuse myself on a daily basis, whether it's the stupid things that accidently slip out of my mouth or simply doing/saying things that weren't for others to see or hear. Today was no different.

With exams fast approaching, i told myself that i would be diligent these few weeks. I have so much material yet to look at for tomorrow's paper, but last night after my routine dose of mobile radiation (I am so going to OD on mobile radiation one day) i decided to have an early night so that i could wake up when the sun rises the next morning to study more. Considering my usual sleepy headedness and my well developed subconcious hit-the-snooze-button-repeatedly-until-it-beeps-no-more motor pattern, i thought i'd be clever and put my 6 preset alarms on my desk a metre away from the bed. That way, i'd have to get up and swtich it off, thus wake up on time for intense study purposes.

Unfortunately, or should i say, fortunately, i was instead, awaken by a phone call 3hrs after my pre-planned time of arousal. I can't help but wonder what happened when my 6 alarms went off...

I vaguely remember having the fright of my life very early in the morning, when i opened my eyes to my mum's face 2cm away from mine, apparantly giving me a kiss. Then my brother told me he tried to wake me at 7:30am, but i apparantly refused and he asked if i wanted him to wake me up again at 9am, to which i apparently responded with a subconcious 'no'. But the thing i am dying to find out is how i could have possible propelled myself 1m off the bed, reached for the snooze button on my alarm clock, switched off my 5 other alarms on my phone, only to find myself forgetting the entire process and snuggling back into bed for an extra 3hr worth of quality sleep.

Please explain.
posted by sciurine @ 3:55 PM   0 comments
Saturday
there is a limited space in the attic
"I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it - there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones."

Right now, my attic is filled up with mumbojumbo; useless furniture crammed up to the ceiling. I have no space to fit anything else in. The more i try, the more i forget. So, is there a point to keep learning, with the risk of forgetting at the same time? I think not.

When i learn to drink, i forget how to drive - Homer.
posted by sciurine @ 6:10 PM   1 comments

ABOUT

Thoughts, ...flowing slowly and gracefully, ...awakening the senses, ...keeping you up in the night, I sometimes wonder why people write. To express? To reflect? To be heard? I write, to free myself from a world of thoughts.

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