| Thursday |
| one of those |
Well, i'd never thought i'd ever find myself blogging at 6pm on a Thursday night, when i really should just lay back on my comfie bed, put on some Hamish and Andy and give myself a gentle neck massage - afterall it's been quite a long exhausting 8am start at uni. But no, i'm here. I'm yet again, going through one of those times where my brain doesn't seem to want to shut the hell up. If people around me can hear my mind speak, i'm certain they'd all rather be deaf.
Just half an hour ago, i found myself lying inside my car gazing at the blue sky and the beautiful horizon. My car was hot and stuffy and the UV rays were glaring directly into my rather delicate eyes. But that didn't matter. When you totally and completely immerse yourself into deep thoughts; nothing matters. I like sitting in my car for this reason; no-one's there to disturb you, and the effective sound reflecting windows insulate you against the harsh and polluted world outside. It's a time that you can truely spend with yourself.
As a little kid, I've always held tightly onto the belief that there must be some great being up there looking over us all, controlling our actions, the consequences that follows, our fate, destiny, life and death. Don't get me wrong; i'm no christian. I'm simply what they call a free thinker. Someone who believes that there is someone far greater than themselves in this universe and beyond. Gazing into mother nature, i feel as if He is with me, close by me, following my journey in life, guiding me in the right path, listening to everything i have to say. To think that such great being made tears well up in my eyes.
I've always wondered whether or not all things happen for a reason? Why do we think, why do we strive, why do we seek, why do we cry? Today, i've finally found the answer i've been searching for half my life. Things don't just happen simply because someone up there just decided to make it happen. All things happen for a reason, whether we like it or not. Whether it's to guide us through the journey or life, to turn us away from evil, to allow us to understand those around us, to make us realise what's important in our lives. Sometimes i tend to convince myself that there's no real reason for somethings to happen. But now that i think back to those times, and i know i was just too afraid to accept the reason behind it. We shun away from what we are scared of, we refuse to believe in somethings even when it is balantly obvious and is put in front of our eyes, we convince ourselves that there must be some other better reason.
I like to think of myself as a strong women, but indeed i'm not that strong at all. Though i may be assertive and stand up for myself when need be, express and confront issues, i realise i can be quite weak. Weak on the inside. I long for sercurity and protection, for comfort and stablity. Most of the times, i make myself believe that i can swallow up all my feelings and not let anything penetrate my strong outer shell, but i eventually find all these swallowed up feelings creep back, slowly gnawling away on my inside, making me feel small, vulnerable, weak, and even The Blue Day book won't help. No-one sees this side of me - not even Mum and Dad. I haven't cried to them probably since primary school. In fact, i think my friends have seen that side of me more than my parents.
I guess i should mention the fact that these feelings don't generally come often, maybe a few times per annum, but when they strike, it's a hard and tough battle. A battle only i can fight alone. The other 360 days i live life as if nothing in the world matters. I live it to enjoy it. I can be serious, but i certainly don't lack the ability to laugh at myself. I can be deep and meaningful, but i can also do the stupidest and silliest things man can think of. I can give people shit, but i can cope it when it comes around. I can be quiet, but i can also be the chirpiest bird around - but i'm generally the chirpy one.
I've spent a good hour and a half on this blog. I think it's time for me to shut this side of my hemisphere down, open up the other side and dig into some books. But before i do so, i need to feed my tummy. |
posted by sciurine @ 6:07 PM   |
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| Saturday |
| driving theory |
After reading the bus theory, published by Dr K Bow, it triggered a few thoughts in me, and a couple of days ago, i came up with an even better theory - the driving theory. I reckon the way individuals drive really tell you something about their personality. Let me explain.
Those who drive silently with both hands on the wheel, radio switched off, and always a few k's under the speed limit lack self-confidence or are generally over-cautious or pedantic about everything in their lives. On the other end of the spectrum, you have those over-confident, try-to-be-cool people who find themselves constantly speeding even if they are in no rush, tailgating every car whose driving within the speed limit, pumping the stereo system so-damn loud that the car shakes under formation of standing waves. You can also judge someone's patience by their driving. Just imagine the car in front of you in the right lane stops to take a right turn into a side street from a busy two lane main road, do you stop behind them and wait a minute or do you quickly glance at your mirrors and dash into the left lane to overtake?
You then have the in-betweens - those who drive within speed limit, but speed when absolutely necessary, don't mind waiting behind cars if in no rush, and turns the stereo system up to an acceptable volume. These people are probably more easy going, not too overcautious with anything and just sits back and see what life brings.
Another interesting fact is how someone cares for their car. You have those who takes their precious baby for a scrub at the carwash on a weekly basis and refuse to park in areas without shelter. They are (probably) white-collared business people who either have too much time and money on their hands or they actually treasure every single possession they have, materialistic, and overly concerned about their appearance. On the other hand, poor lazy bums or overly busy people who don't take much care of their car. They are generally more practical in everyday life, and not caught up with a few mistakes here and there. Then you have people who only clean the inside of the car but not the outside. I'd say they are more longing for a comfortable lifestyle, not concerned about appearance, as long as they and their passengers are happy.
I think i know what sort of person i am - though i might have been a little too biased in this publishment. |
| posted by sciurine @ 1:37 PM |
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| devastation |
My heart split into two when i was alerted to the fact that we have another 2 weeks - not 1- of neuroscience. As potential physios, i truly believe we have learnt more than enough about the stupid, not so stupid, central nervous system. Why on earth do we need to know every goddamn deep perforating branches of each cerebral artery and what each of them supply? Arrghh...gets me so worked up each time i think the fact that uni puts us through so much grief and agony for examination purposes, and yet when we get out into the real world of physiotherapy, no-one gives a damn. *sighs*
I'm someone who checks their email on almost a daily basis, just in case i get something interesting that will brighten my day. But very sadly, it never has. Everytime i check my uni mail, it'll be something along the lines of Sports Physiotherapy Australia, Australian Physiotherapy Association or eUni news, which i obviously take no interest in, hence delete without reading. The sad thing is, everytime i check my hotmail, all i find are stupid chain mails saying how much friends mean to you which i've read zillion times, emedicine articles or penis enlargement therapies. Do boring emails happen to everyone, coz i'd really like to know whether it's just the fact that i'm a web social outcast, or if i'm actually within the norm?
I think i've complained enough for day. Btw, all girls like to complain, it's proven by mX articles, that it's our way of releasing our inside anger, while boys on the other hand use distraction strategies. |
| posted by sciurine @ 1:22 PM |
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| Wednesday |
| Go lee!! |
| So proud of the decision i made last night over the phone. *brushes dust off my top left shoulder* So damn proud. |
| posted by sciurine @ 5:59 PM |
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| Sunday |
| attention! |
May i just take a few moments of your time to let the world know that i'm not ditzy. I may have ditzy moments, which i'd prefer calling 'silly moments', but those of you who would use the word ditzy to describe me, i think you've mistaken me for someone else. You are simply missing out on my intelligent, clever moments.
On another note, the more i think about finishing neuroscience unit in a couple of weeks, the more excited i become. Just stop whatever you are doing now and close your eyes and imagine - imagine halving our contact hours, only having a couple of hours of uni on monday and tuesday, and having friday off - doesn't this world just suddenly seem such a perfect place... *smiles* |
| posted by sciurine @ 9:07 PM |
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| girls |
Last night was a big night out. Haven't had one of them in a long long long time, so i am hammered by the end of the night/day. Clubbing isn't something that particularly appeals to me, a main reason being that you are constantly inhaling passive smoke in the entire vicinity. I've only been clubbing twice since turning 18, which seems a century ago, and last night was certainly a hell of a night for me. I loved it. Never ever danced so close to anyone before last night. Felt great. Though, i think 4 hours of clubbing is way too much for me to handle - the constant dancing and moving on heels with sweaty people bumping into you can be exhausting. But i guess that's just all part of the clubbing experience. I think i'll stay off clubbing for a good few months now. I'd much prefer a lounge or coffee place where chatting at normal pitch and intensity are permitted.
It generally takes me a good few days to recover from one big night. Though this time, i think i'm gonna take a little longer - perhaps a whole week. Last time i had a late one was probably a couple of mondays ago, at Mraz's concert - it took me 7 days to recover fully, taking two days off work. Well, this time not only requires additional sleeping time to make up for lost sleep, but also physical replenishment for my aching feet and strained back.
I guess there's no one to blame for my post-high-heel syndrome but myself. All girls like dressing up. It's fun. We can take a couple of hours just dressing up for one night out, mix and matching clothes and shoes, straightening the already straight hair and choosing which bag to match the occasion. Boys, now you understand why girls take forever - not even to mention the application-of make-up-time, something a boy will never understand - i hope. Well, i ask myself why. Why do we want to do all that; waste all that time making yourself look good? I really have no answer to that one, but i'm sure that you'll understand if i explain to you i can't get past myself if i just rocked up to an occasion with the most most comfortable clothes ever; which in my case will probably be something along the lines of baggy trackies, rugby top with flip flops. An occasion is not an occasion if there is no pre-occasion dress up fun. |
| posted by sciurine @ 9:05 PM |
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| Friday |
| silence |
i remember the first few weeks working with Naomi, the general practice receptionist who resides in the chair less than a meter away from me at work. I hated those days. I would dread coming into work simply because of the silent awkwardness between us for the entire 5 and a half hours. Nothing to do and nothing to talk about. In an effort to ease the awkwardness, i often make small conversations - but all i get are one sentence answers, and then the silence returns. After persisting for another month or so, i gave up. Then slowly, i got used to the silence between us, and it was comfortable for us not to talk. I actually grew used to having her company at work. I found it difficult managing a whole week without seeing her at work. Sadly, today i was informed that she will be leaving me in a week's time.
Through my 10 months 'relationship' with naomi, i've learnt something. (For those of you who hate deep and meaningfuls, perhaps you can look away now. Don't say i didn't warn you.)
I've learnt that it actually takes a long period of time to develop a relationship where silence becomes comfortable. Believe it or not, sometimes i enjoy silence. Times when i lie beside someone, with my eyes closed, hands inter-twined, focussing entirely on eachother's breathing. Without saying a word, but be sure that they are there for you no matter what. To know that they are thinking of you while you're thinking of them. To let each other know how much they mean to you, either verbally or through small meaningful gestures. To know that they are appreciative of your company as much as you feel blessed to have them in your life. |
| posted by sciurine @ 10:01 PM |
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| Thursday |
| vent |
| Last year, i loved pbl. Last semester, i hated pbl because i didn't like the group atmosphere. This semester, i hate pbl because of the tutors. On that note, i think i should stop this blog short and do some pbl research for tomorrow's pbl. But before that, i'm going to watch australian's brainiest comedians. Signing out. |
| posted by sciurine @ 7:32 PM |
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| phone calls |
Phone calls:
#1 means: i want to talk
#2 means: i really really want to talk
#3 means: we really need to talk |
| posted by sciurine @ 7:29 PM |
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| Wednesday |
| dizzy spells |
I just had a dizzy spell when billing a patient. No, not the ones you come across when you walk past a random on the streets with strong perfume or aftershave, or even worse, standing next to someone on the train with horrifying BO, and you find yourself srambling around desperately gasping for the little precious fresh air, but to no avail, and you end up depriving the nervous system of oxygen, making you dizzy. Well, my one's a little different. I think dizziness is brought about by deprivation of sleep these past few nights, making me too lazy to use my respiratory muscles to breathe properly, thus going dizzy. Okay, i'll stop with my mechanisms.
On the topic of mechanisms, i am a bit stuffed for PBL tomorrow, well in that case, for the one on friday also. Acutally, correction: i am absolutely damned for these coming PBL sessions. I have no idea what i'm going to do about it nor do i want to do anything about it, to be honest. I will be getting home really late these few nights after work, and i cannot even begin to explain to you how difficult it is to motivate myself to sit at my desk and open a book. Particularly today. I feel like crap, i feel faint, i feel i look like crap, and i have a feeling that if i don't catch back up on sleep now, i will end up with a horrible sore throat, or even worse, i croaky voice - i bet you i'm jinxing myself here. I am in desperate need for soothers right now, but unfortunately i'm slowly dying away with my one and only partly soothing cup of water, sipping at it every couple of minutes, until i need to pee. Too much information i'm guessing.
I think for the sake of my well being and psychological health, i will be much better off catching up on sleep tonight. Perhaps, if i sleep on a neuroanatomy book i can miraculously wake up tomorrow and know everything. Keep dreaming, Lee.
There is nothing motivating me to even go into uni tomorrow for an eight o'clock start, except for the beloved swing class i cannot bear to miss. Dear me.
Since i've got so much time on my hands *cough cough*, i hereby dedicate this paragragh to a very special person. A person, who have stood to the challenge, and battled the long lengthly process of the poorly designed colesmyer recruitment process, and have made it through. Finally. I stand before you, and congratulate you on your persistence and your drama skills. Here on, to be a successful customer service assistance, i believe your next greatest challenge you must step up to is developing some patience and learning to swallow your pride, as you can be sure that annoying and demanding customers will be flocking your way. Simply because it is myer you're talking about. You will no longer enjoy the comfort of trackies and fluroscent orange/navy blue t-shirts sadly, but you will slowly learn to iron shirts and pants, and walk around polished marbled floors, instead of mud, in your sparkly black click-click-click-cluck-cluck-clucks (you know what i mean).
I am quietly ashamed at my own efforts in my previous two attempts at the colesmyer recruitment process, failing miserably each time they asked for my availabilities. I don't quite know how you got through that question, but you did. Perhaps it's my lack of, or poorly developed drama skills. As a celebration for your official induction as a colesmyer freak, i shall organise a mah-jong night very soon, and play our hearts away. Fun Fun Fun. |
| posted by sciurine @ 5:39 PM |
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| Tuesday |
| mind test |
Starting the lecture with silly pick up lines by our quriky lecturer today certainly didn't work for me. My mind wandered off for the rest of that lecture, thinking of more pick up lines. I came up with a couple, which i was so damn proud of:
"Let me masticate you."
"I think my hypoglossal nerve isn't functioning, can you test it out for me?"
**cue for laughter** - Com'on, my ones must be better than the lecturer's "Let's practise using our optic nerves."
Now that i've got you in that state of mind, i figure i'll chuck in this joke i found off a website : "A girl's first time..."
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! |
| posted by sciurine @ 6:44 PM |
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| ABOUT |
Thoughts, ...flowing slowly and gracefully, ...awakening the senses, ...keeping you up in the night, I sometimes wonder why people write. To express? To reflect? To be heard? I write, to free myself from a world of thoughts.
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